Feeling Better

Both Oliver and I are feeling much better this week. His cold got better each day. He was probably tired of me wiping his nose every 2 seconds. His face had a scab under the eye and tip of his nose that also looked lighter and almost fully healed. As for myself, once I let it out I felt so much better. Sometimes that's all I need, a really good cry. It wasn't even like I was sad or anything, more tired and stressed I think. So I've been taking more time to make sure I eat and rest. And my latest tv obsession...netflix actually is the Showtime series Dexter-a show about a serial killer of other serial killers. If I can find the time to lay in bed and watch a show so far removed from reality, that's good times.

My mom is returning from Taiwan tonight after being away for 3 months. During this entire time I've only spoken to her once on the phone. The time difference plus the baby schedule made it hard to get connected. Mom and I, at least from my perspective, haven't had the greatest relationship. There's always some tension, fear on my end of disappointing her. I'm not sure where it came from, her comments always have affected me a lot. So it becomes a cycle where I am anxious in anticipation of what she might say, and then probably act weird around her and makes her feel the tension then say something that upsets me. If I saw the situation from a different perspective, I'd probably say how lame I am that I don't just enjoy her company. I think I always feel hopeful and want that, but find it hard to shake off old habits. Every year she goes to visit her family in Taiwan for a few months, and every time she returns is like another chance to start over. So hopefully this time it'll stick. The good news is my dad and I always end up bonding while she is away. I think maybe our personality if more similar, or that he is just more easy going...it wasn't always like that. I was so close to my mom and fearful of dad. Who knows what happened, I grew up and wanted to rebel maybe. She's seeing her daughter who no longer needs her, and she is hanging on tighter. Now that I have my own child, I can understand that. Oliver these days will not hug or kiss me and it makes me sad, but I know it's because he associates that with saying good bye...so in his own way, I know he loves me. I hope even when he is older I'll be able to have the same understanding.