One Step At A Time

This is the hardest thing I've ever done.

I think if I had more than 4 hours of sleep a day that would really make a difference. It would really make a difference if those 4 hours were 4 continues hours, and not two 2-hour sessions. If I can fall asleep when I need to, eat when I need to, go to the restroom when I need to. If whatever I need isn't always on the other side of the room. If the sound of a few seconds of crying doesn't feel like eternity. If a little grunt doesn't sound like intolerable pain. If I can learn that breakfast, lunch, and dinner doesn't have to happen when you think they should. If I can let go of the to-do list, and what I think must be done but in reality can wait.

With the routine of feeding and changing around the clock, all the days blend into one another. The good thing is that each "morning" feels like you can hit the reset button. And whatever it was that didn't go as smoothly as you'd like can get another try. When I feel more rested, I'd try to push myself to do a little more, meaning getting out of the house, running an errand at the post office and market down the street with Oliver in a sling or stroller.

This may be the strangest time for me in my life so far. I was so focused on "finding myself" in the past 10 years, and now I am in transition and unclear who I'll become as a mom. So much of it comes from the hormones, with postpartum depression working against me. It's like I know I am a happy confident person, but none of my behavior reflects that. For a few weeks I'd look in the mirror but can't seem to see myself. I was a shell, a milk making machine. The phrase "I just want to feel human again" is often said. The isolation, lack of adult interaction, and missing my usual routine was hard to deal with. I probably should ask for more help, but my old self will not allow me to.

After recovering from a bad case of mastitis, a breast infection that gave me a fever, chills, and cold sweat, and an allergic reaction to the antibiotics, I was forced to take better care of myself. After 3 days of taking it easy and getting sleep whenever I can, I felt much more energized physically and emotionally. I looked at the calendar and realized how much time has past and I really should start easing back to a life outside of the house. I am both excited and scared of all the new adventures we'll encounter, but I need to find that strength I know I have inside and take one step at a time.

Baby Milestones -One Month

With all the feeding and changing, and burping...and feeding and changing and burping...one month went by like a big blur. There's not one piece of clothing that I've worn that was not covered with milk, not one room in the house that doesn't have something for the baby.

Oliver at one month weighs about 11 lbs.. It seems that he is growing and changing every 2, 3 days. His eyes and face are more expressive. His smiles are more intentional rather than muscle reflex. His eyes will follow your motion then turn his head to look farther. He grabs on to my hair, lips, glasses...and today, he pulled out his own pacifier and held it! I'm convinced that he is a genius. He is very strong too. He is able to hold his head up pretty well, push himself up with his chubby legs, and push his chest up when he has tummy time.

He also had a very busy week. Chris and I took him to the office to meet everyone. Oliver did really well. He didn't make a fuss when being passed around the group. He was especially comfortable resting on Michelle's chest, and was super happy to hang out with Pete and checking out his motorcycle helmet. We also had to use Steve's office for a mid day feeding and diaper change.

After the office visit, we went on to visit Oliver's first baby friend Scarlet. She's a beautiful 2-week old baby girl with the biggest blue eyes I've ever seen. The 2 got along well. I'm sure they'll have many more play dates. It was funny to see which baby cries first. We also went through 2 more feedings and 3 diaper changes before heading home. And you'd think after a 8-hour outing Oliver would be ready for bed, but he was probably too excited from all the things he saw that day.

The day after my friend Nancy came over to visit with her 9-week old Kayleigh. I said, 2 different girls in 2 days? Oliver's such a player. It was interesting to see the different temperaments of the babies and now the new moms handle them. We shared notes and stories and spent half the time having baby talk with the little ones.

I really enjoyed visiting our friends who some I have not seen in months, but skipping the afternoon nap has taken its toll and made the days seem extremely long. So with that said, I'm off to see if I can catch some zzzzzs!

My New Life

It's strange that I haven't been working for almost 2 months. I can't remember the last time I wasn't busy working on another new project. I'm surprised that I was able to not have much human interaction all this time. I think I was getting used to having Oliver to talk to 24/7. He's a great listener.

The first few weeks of my maternity leave was all about getting things ready for Oliver's arrival, and getting extra rest and eating well. And now that seems to be the goal too, but getting enough rest means squeezing in a power nap here and there. And eating well means drinking herbal tea my mom makes to help replenish my body, and getting enough nutrients to produce the best milk for the baby.

I've always been a list maker and have the need to be organized, and work from a schedule. Having a baby who has his own schedule makes that a little bit harder. And I am learning to surrender, and let go of my tendencies to be in control. How can you resist that little adorable face, you realize you'd do anything for him.

Chris and I have been blessed with a healthy and beautiful boy. He's very even tempered and only make noises and cries when he needs something. We quickly learned to differentiate his cries to meet his needs. And even though I'd like to think crying is the only sound he knows how to make to express any discomfort, it's hard not to feel like he's hurting. I often want to cry too when I can't move quick enough to make him feel better.

The days seem to go by so fast when you're in a routine of feeding, burping, changing, and repeat. Sometimes when I'm tired it makes me feel more emotional that I can't seem to get a break. Taking a hot shower has become the only time I get to myself to pamper me. And spending a little bit of time on the computer each day to check email brings a little bit of the old me back into my new life.

Like all new parents, we've been taking lots of pictures of him each day. We can see how Oliver changes from day to day. And his facial expressions have become more intentional and telling of what he's feeling. This is the first time in my life that I am constantly surprised by his every little movement. And every interaction we have is full of hopes and dreams that he'll learn to grow up to be a happy loving person.

I'm very lucky that I've had a very easy and enjoyable pregnancy, a great experience preparing for giving birth, a memorable labor and delivery, and now a new life that challenges my strength and patience, opens my heart to new experiences and how I see life, and experience the most pure love I've ever felt. And there's so much more to look forward to.

The First Day Home

After 4 long and uncomfortable days at the 8x10 hospital room, Chris was experiencing cabin fever, and I was tired of being disrupted every hour by the nursing staff. We both just wanted to go home and show Oliver where he'll grow up.

It felt strange to be outside at first. I think I was nervous about every move we made since we were on our own to figure out what to do. Luckily we only live about 5 minutes from the hospital. And pulling up to the driveway eased those worries a little just by being in a familiar place.

"Now what?" came to mind when we got inside the house. We realized that we need to rethink the set up we had to make it easier for changing and feeding. Even though I was still weak from the surgery, I had some energy reserved for organizing(It was really the only way to calm my nerves). I stocked up a few little storage baskets with all the diaper changing essentials for Oliver to keep in our bedroom near the co-sleeper bed, and another one for myself with lotions and pain medications. We even put a 2.5 gallon container of water on my night stand.

Chris gave Oliver the tour of the house, and showed him his bedroom. I nursed Ollie while we got caught up on all the TV shows recorded while we were away. We changed him into the adorable outfits we received from the baby shower. And quickly learned that you can't have too many little wash cloths.

It was wonderful and weird at the same time, that the last time we were home sitting on the couch Oliver was inside. He still kicks and squirms, and gets the hiccups like he used to. But now...he is "baby on the outside". (That's something I said while I was pregnant that really stuck, Chris hopes it will become the title of a baby book someday!)

Labor Day

First of all, it everything was Perfect...because it all had to happen
that way to bring the little man to this world.

As you all know I was excited that I was 3 cm dilated 2 weeks before
the due date with a "little baby". Everyone suspected that I'd have an
easy delivery. And you also know that I really wanted a natural child
birth and have that experience. Well, turns out I got to experience
pretty much every aspect of child birth in about 24 hours.

Since Dr. Gilberg-Lenz wanted to induce me because of the "small baby", we tried every alternative to avoid a medical induction the days leading up to the appointment on July 15th. Octavia came over and gave me reflexology, which had good results that night with strong contractions, but wore off by the morning. Walking up and down a very steep hill and squatting in the birthing tub didn't seem to do too much either. So our hope was that by Tuesday morning that we break my water should kick start the contractions.

9 am broke the water, waited 3 hours with slightly stronger
contractions, but not enough for the dilation to progress. We moved on
to using Pitocin at the lowest dose. Pitocin works to give you
stronger contractions than what your body naturally does to help get
things going. For some reason my body really reacted to that, my
highest level was at 5 (out of 40) but most women who gets Pitocin
also get an Epidural so the body does the work but you don't feel the
pain....I didn't want to do that because even if I don't feel it, the
baby does and it's hard on Oliver to have such strong contractions. So I just breathed through the pain, one after another.

From that point on, I had contractions that were literally off the
chart without pain medication until the next morning at 3 am. So about
18 hours. And I was stuck at 8 cm for about 8 hrs on Pitocin (you need
10 cm to push)

I was exhausted physical and emotionally because it was none stop
contraction about every 3 minutes for about 1 minute long each time.
My bladder was full but couldn't get enough time in between
contractions to go to the bathroom.

I finally decided that in order to have energy to push later, I have to get the
epidural to give myself a break. I also got a catheter so I can make
room for the baby to move. At this point Oliver was still a bit too
high in position, and little off to the side.

We had one of the best anesthetologist in the country giving me the
epidural...but then for whatever reason my body did not react to it,
so even at top strength, I continued to feel very painful
contractions...and wasn't able to rest.

At around 5 am, Oliver's had a long day, we were all
worried about his heart rate dropping with each contraction. Our last resort was to give him more
amniotic fluid to make him more comfortable...unfortunately at the
same time, I started a fever. because when you break the water, your
body thinks it's a wound and tries to treat it.

My doctor was great at giving me more time to try to go natural as
long as the baby and myself were ok...but we all knew we are out of
options.

By 6:30 am I was in the operating room with a second epidural that
numbed my entire body and having a c-section.

Almost 22 hours since I arrived at the hospital, Oliver was born and
surprised everyone by his size: a healthy 8 lb. and measuring at 20.5 inches long. I remember my doctor saying "Boy, are we wrong about his weight, this is NOT a small baby."

Oliver is a cutie with a full head of hair, and scored 9 out of 10 on his APGAR score.

So since then I've been really out of it. The pain meds have been
making me nauseous and lack of sleep doesn't help either. I'm less
mobile now then before the pregnancy.

The good news is I'm breastfeeding and getting better at it each
time...meaning every 3 hours. I've yet to figure out when to
sleep...but just so happy to be home.

So...even though it was hard to get
through....I feel good that I did my best and made all the decisions
without any regrets. We realized that c-section probably was the only
way Oliver can come out and he knew it, but waited since he knew I
wanted to try. There was suspicion that since I had procedures done
when I miscarried, but I might have had scar tissue that made it hard
for my body to dilate properly. Who knows...he's here now and we are
both safe. At times I still wished that I had given birth to him the natural way, but that might just be the baby blues talking. He's healthy and happy, and that's all that matters.

The Final Count Down

It's been almost 2 weeks since little Oliver was born. I have been busy making adjustments to our new life and haven't had time to update the blog. I really wanted to though, I don't want the days to slip by and not record all the little changes I see in Oliver and in myself.

Let me first go back to 3 weeks earlier, when life was mostly daydreaming about the baby.

Our due date was July 10th. That week we found out I was 3 cm dilated and the baby was still measuring small. Dr. Gilberg-Lenz wasn't worried his weight, but felt it would be best to induce me if Oliver goes past his due date.

Since I wanted a natural child birth from day one, the thought of having any medical intervention made both Chris and I more anxious. We tried to relax and started taking action ourselves to get things going. We took walks, even up a steep hill, squatted in the birthing tub, ate spicy food. Octavia had given me a reflexology session that had great results that evening with strong contractions, but faded over night.

I must say that the days leading up to going to the hospital was very special. Chris had taken those days off to stay with me just in case anything happened. We walked each morning to get breakfast, we watched movies on dvd and even made it to the theater twice. We continued to watch my belly move and try to calm each other's mind for what's to come.

2 weeks have past since Oliver's arrival and Chris and I are enjoying every minute of it together. It's been hard to pay as much attention to each other because of the feeding and diaper changing (plus Oliver is just too cute and hard to resist). But every once in a while when Oliver is asleep, Chris and I would give each other a big hug as to say "we did it, we've done well". We'd hold hands on the couch just to remind each other we're a team. I know Oliver will be able to sense that he's in a loving home, and grow up to be a caring, loving man like his father.