Just about me...almost

These past week has been very tough on me. It all started when Oliver and I got into a car accident. It felt like one of those scenes in the movie where everyone else can see the car is about to hit you but you. Luckily no one was hurt. I don't even think Oliver realized what had happened. We were on our way home after visiting Chris at the office. A normal Friday afternoon interrupted by someone who was in a rush to go somewhere. He didn't even want to give me any of his information. I was intimidated and knew that I couldn't just let him leave without giving me something. I did manage to get a phone number, and he was truthful about the car not being his. He did however lied about his mom being in the hospital and that he had to leave. Things got worked out for the next few days with insurance and renting a car. I was surprised by how easy the insurance company have made it for us.

I think with that happening, I had to readjust my schedule and plans. It's not something I enjoy in my days. Everything is already so out of my control, having something like a car accident really throws me off. I had to reschedule a meeting I set up with a new potential design job. And leave the house after Oliver goes to bed for my meeting. It was strange to go out by myself at night. I couldn't remember the last time I did that. The meeting went really well. The name of the company is OLIVE U and the owner Jennifer needed someone to design appliques for her. She had received many referrals, but felt that I was right for the job. And so far she's been extremely happy with my work.

This past weekend was the Halloween party for the moms club. I'm enjoying being part of the club, mostly the outings that I don't need to come up with myself. It's nice to have some more mom friends to talk to. So far there are a few moms I enjoy talking to. Others are a little more intimidating. I think they are the ones that I feel like I have to really work on making conversations with them. I guess I don't really have to try that hard. I can't expect to get along with everyone, and the few that do seem more friendly towards me are enough for the short time we hang out with the babies. The party was nice and I was friendly with everyone. The highlight, although bums me out a bit, was a young boy telling me what a "sorry looking banana costume" I had on. One that I spent hours making and was very proud of. He didn't agree. I also made Oliver's Tarzan costume, which worked out pretty well.



Oliver got sick the next day. It could have been the other kids at the party, or when it cooled down for the evening. He had a runny nose and slight fever. When he gets sick he likes to be held a lot, so it was hard physically to keep carrying him. I'm happy to do it, but I can feel that all the holding and chasing him around has really taken its toll on my body. And being so close to him too puts me at great risk of getting sick also.

I can feel myself getting more sensitive to everything happening throughout the day. I felt anxious, tired, hopeless at times. I realize how stressful my job is to take care of Oliver. There's never a break, and even when he goes to bed, there's still more work to be done. Weekends don't matter either. It just never stops. Don't get me wrong, I love every minute of it. I think it's not that I don't want to do it. My body and emotions are just tapped out. I try to give 100% all the time, and I can feel that it's slipping down. It's not even about getting more sleep. I guess it's about making the time to give myself a break, both physically and emotionally.

Then yesterday, Oliver took a big fall in the backyard which left his nose and cheek bruised. He is fine, but along with the cold and teething he looks like a mess. Amazingly he is still in good spirits. Lately he started to push and pull me to where he wants me to go. He loves to see me sweep and vacuum. He keeps me moving all day long. We have discovered a children's museum nearby and joined the membership. So now we have the zoo, and the museum to go to whenever we can schedule it in. I've found that I much rather be out with him and let his surroundings entertain him than just me. It's probably better for him anyway. Although he never turns down a ride on the toy giraffe around the house while I pull him.

So...I had a break down. I cried while feeding Oliver dinner and expressed to him how tired I was. And he laughed at my tears, which made me realize maybe it's not that big of a deal. He gave me a hug, and it made me cry even harder. I just needed to release all the tension I've been suppressing. Because all of these days I have shut myself down so I don't have any needs to be fulfilled for myself. It's not a good plan because it just made life so much harder. I'm not sure what I'll do differently, but I know Oliver will benefit more from a mom who is more relaxed and takes care of herself.