Work In Progress

Counting the first month I took off work before Oliver's birth, I've been home for about 8 months. I can't believe how much time and how quickly the days have gone by. Baby brain is still making things easy to forget, but I do know it's been difficult making adjustments to my new life. Oliver continues to do well and making great strides. He's happy, healthy, and has been a wonderful sleeper. I have no complaints except for occasionally he likes to chew on my hair and pull on them.

Myself on the other hand has been on a roller coaster ride that I'm hoping to get off soon. It's as if when I gave birth I used not only my physical strength to endure labor, but I also lost some of my emotional strength. It's understandable that with the hormones going crazy, a little bit of postpartum depression is to be expected. I just didn't think I'd have such a hard time adjusting. It is so much better than the first few months, but there are still some lingering issues I need to deal with.

As the months go by, a little bit of my old self comes back. I've lost all the baby weight. I've been cleaning and organizing the house from top to bottom. I've got all of our taxes done early. I even finished a book project with practical tips to help other first-time moms. I've got a great set up with a nanny who comes 3 times a week so I can get chores and errands done. A cleaning lady who helps with the kitchen, bathrom, and the floors, the gardeners come every week too. All that's left for me to do is focus on taking care of Oliver and the household stuff.

So when I was still feeling anxious and frustrated, I didn't know why or what to do. Is it my need to have control, or my inability to relax and enjoy people helping me? Do I miss having a career? Why don't I see taking care of Oliver as being productive? Is it too early to try to find answers, maybe I need to wait they'll surface on their own?

I finally searched online for "adjusting to being a stay at home mom". I was surprised by how many other moms shared the same confusion. We all were good at doing tasks and finishing projects that shows clear results that can be measured. Taking care of a baby and making him happy is the result, but so often it's credited to the baby being born with an easy temperament. Or, the result of all the hard work will reveal itself 18 years from now.

Work in progress, transitioning, adjusting. Whatever it's called I'm right in the middle of it and can't see very clearly where I'll end up. It's not a place I enjoy and I have to remind myself not to over think things. I did make some progress. I realized that I've spent so much time working on being the best "ME" I can be to society, to my family, my job, I'm stuck in that mode. And with my new mom title, I just want to be the best mom I can be. I don't know why I see them as 2 separate roles, but as of right now I'm feeling the pressure of trying to pick a side.

I may be I'm one of those people who believes you have to struggle for the end result to be worthy of the time and suffering. Just like my 22 hour labor without an epidural, I wanted to experience childbirth with every painful contraction only to end up in a c-section. Maybe a part of me still haven't resolved those feelings, that instead of seeing the result of having a healthy baby and healthy mom, I am focused on not able to carry out something I planned for 9 months. So I agonized over whether to return to work or stay home. And who will take care of the baby if I went back to work. I'm stressing over not doing "enough" for being home. And sees being home as me being lazy or not driven, and having help as me not adequate enough to do it all myself. There is the part of me that feels undeserving of the luxury and guilty for the freedom. All these emotions feels unnecessary if I can just accept that things are different now and my "plan" has to evolve too. And it is, and I am. It's just uncomfortable in the process.

So what I really should learn from this is to be more like Oliver. He has no plans, he takes one day at a time. He doesn't suppress any of his emotions. He asks for help when he needs it. He tries new things everyday. He learns new skills and practices them. He laughs at whatever life throws at him. He knows he is loved and is very happy to share his love with a big smile. I should remember these lessons. It makes you wonder why he has chosen this time to be in my life.