Growing Up

It's been 5 months and 3 weeks since Oliver was born. I've learned so much as a new mom. I still remember the first time going to the mall with him, how terrified I was when he cried. I froze, I even had a little tear. I didn't know how to behave with the baby in a place I was so familiar with before he came along. Now I feel like a stranger in a strange place. I wonder if that's how he felt when he was born.

I have since learned to ignore those fears and have even fed him at the table in a restaurant. I can run errands with him, even go to parties with him.I have lost all of the baby weight and can fit in my pre-pregnancy jeans. And I've gained so much more confidence in myself as a mother. It took a while, but thanks to Oliver being such a great baby, he's made my job a lot easier once I recovered from the C-section and the crazy postpartum hormones.

The only thing I really struggled with was about my return to work. I had always saw myself as a working mom. The funny thing is, I didn't even know what that meant. I understood the "working" part very well. I just didn't know the "mom" half was not just a title. It actually comes with a lot of emotions, attachments, and responsibilities. Even though I knew I love spending time with Oliver, taking care of him, teaching him, and playing with him, I just didn't think about the details of what is involved in going back to work and what that lifestyle would be. I thought that I needed the job I loved to feel complete and confident. The logic was, if mommy is happy with herself, then the baby will benefit from it too. I also didn't want my years of education and work experience to end because my priorities changed. And that was it, my priorities have changed.

Maybe it wasn't so much of a struggle with the situation itself. It was more of my stubborn mind of a plan I had that is changing and evolving without me recognizing it. The plan was more of a fantasy because it was made before the baby was born. I am naive to think everything can operate the same way as it was. A part of me suspected that I'd change my mind about going back, but I couldn't bring myself to accepting it. I didn't make a list of pros and cons until the week before I made my decision. I think I was afraid to see it in writing, because then there's no denying what the right decision would be.

I've been with Disney a total of about 10 years. I started out as an intern who barely knew how to use photoshop. I worked for 3 months and fell in love with the energy of the group. My boss John was almost like a father figure, he has such high energy and enthusiasm it's hard to find another boss like him. In fact, I couldn't find anyone like him after I got out of school that I eventually went back to work for him. Although most people don't know how to handle his over the top, charismatic personality, I seem to know exactly how to get along with him. Over the years he has given me so many opportunities to grow, and continue to share his life experience to better mine. I knew I had the perfect job for me, and I never imagined not working for John.

Around the same time I interned, John hired Steve. Steve was like the big brother who is there to help you when you need it, and joke around whenever he gets a chance to make a bad pun. I was so intimidated by him when we first started working together, but as time went by and my confidence grew, he has become one of the closest friend I have. I've always thought of him as Super Man. He seems to know everything from design, marketing, copywriting, music, sports, building houses, to being a great "young" father of 4, and loving husband for over 16 years. Steve is a very hard worker, and it made the three of us what John calls the "dream team". I agree. It was the dynamics of us that made us push to do great work, in a company that doesn't always support great design.

Tony, who was unfortunately let go during a cut back was like a grumpy uncle. He didn't look his age though, years of taking care of his body made him a stand-in for a Tom Cruise movie poster. He's a talented photographer trapped in the body of a tired marketing producer. Being confined in the office was just not for him. We all saw the sparks in the eyes of "bandana Tony" when he shoots for us. And then there's the conspiracy theory Tony, watch out if he ever gets into a political conversation at lunch.

Michelle was like a big sister to me. She's like Sara Jessica Parker of the group. The beautiful, fashionable, strong, independent woman, who held out for the perfect guy for her. She found him after years at Disney working 2 floors below our offices. Whenever there's too much testosterone in the air, Michelle is the one I turn to to keep things balanced.

I've also enjoyed all of John's assistants who came through the office and went on to bigger and better things. Gretchen was there when I interned, she had these great thick rimmed glasses and a funny sense of humor. Diana was there when I first returned to Disney to freelance. She's not only been a great friend who I almost started a cookie business with called "Crumbs", she was one of my bridesmaids at my wedding. We still keep in touch and share small business stories, and she owns a chocolate business called O'Cocoa that's doing really well. Steven came next. He started out as Steve's temp assistant, then John swooped him away. Steven is sharp, quick witted, and had high hopes and dreams to land a job where he can show up at 11 in shorts, critique some ideas and brainstorm, and get paid lot of money. He moved up quickly and landed a job working in the video games department.

Then there's Ann, "Spaulding" came in and just took over. She was hired to assist John, but during the cut back, she took over the responsibility to manage our print production. It's funny that she came from a company where my old RubyLove partner's boyfriend Eric worked as an editor. So before Ann started, I have heard from Eric about this poor mistreated girl leaving his company! Small world. Ann has been like a little sister to me. From looking at her you wouldn't know she's been a world traveler and have bungie jumped many times. Maybe because we have the same name, but I felt the need to look after her. Not that she needed it, but the stress can get to you sometimes. We've became really good friends, and she's visited me and Oliver several times during my maternity leave. She's someone with such a good heart and giving nature, I know I'll be keeping in touch with her for a long time.

All of these people are close to my heart. They've been through the most important part of my growth, and supported me the whole way. It is so hard to move on, but they've also taught me well to know my priorities. John actually said it would be weird if I had decided to go back to work, that it wouldn't be "me". And thanked me for the years I've given them. How lucky am I to have had the chance to work with such a wonderful group.

So when it came time for me to make my decision, I knew I would have the understanding of everyone at work. I knew that work is something I can go back to, and not being there for Oliver would be a life time regret I can never get back. I didn't realize that the six months I spent at home has transformed me into a mom. I didn't know that until Oliver started to reach out to me and smiles when I enter the room. I was surprised that I am making decisions to do what's best for our family and not just myself. I started to feel excited about not knowing what comes next. The tension started to melt away as I got closer to accepting what I felt deep inside. And the last thing I need to seal the deal was to make sure Chris is good with the decision to be the sole breadwinner. Then the answer floated to the top, it was clear that I ready to be a stay at home mom.

I was still nervous and emotional driving to the office. No one knew my reason for visiting. And as I suspected, it only took me saying "I need to talk to you" to John for him to respond "You're not coming back." After that John did most of the talking. He was so complimentary of what I've done for our group, and so proud of the decision I've made. We were both emotional, but kept it positive.

So John says, I've matured. I've made the right decision.

I totally agree.

The days leading up to going in the office I started to write letters to all of my co-workers/friends/second family. It took a long time to write, and I enjoyed remembering all the good times we've had. I was actually really proud of each letter I've written. I had a format to focus on what I love most about them, what I'll miss, and what I look forward to. They've all since thanked me for the letters or have made reference to something I have mentioned. I'm so glad I took the time to do that. I really wanted to let them know how much they mean to me.

What I love most about my job was it didn't feel like work, I'll miss the people the most, but I'm so looking forward to seeing how our friendships develop and spending time watching Oliver grow up.