First of all, I debated for a while whether or not to keep those photos or even post them. It's not common for anyone to speak freely about a loss such as the one we experienced. And I decided that this is apart of our lives, and as sad as it was at the time, it will not be remembered as a sad experience.
On August 8th, 2:15 pm. Our first doctor's appointment, and what was supposed to be our first ultrasound to hear the heart beat of the baby we've already fell in love with at 9 weeks. We found out the disappointing news through the ultrasound, that there was no fetus growing inside me. My body just had a delay in catching up to it and was still functioning as if everything was fine. It was confusing at first because we didn't know this can happen, but the doctor assured us that it was very common especially for first time pregnancy. And it's something that the body does when it knows the cells would not grow into a healthy baby, there wasn't anything we could have done to prevent it. It is unfortunately, but it just happens. If we had not seen the doctor at that time, I would have a miscarriage naturally within 2 weeks.
It doesn't make it any easier to accept what happened, but that was all we can do. And the moment we looked forward to for 9 weeks turned into grieving for our loss. It was a moment that brought Chris and I closer than ever, we had to be there for one another for the life we created and lost. And we allowed ourselves the time to feel those emotions and adjust to living our life the way we did 9 weeks prior.
However, like I said, this experience will not be remembered as a sad one. I've always been a very positive thinker in even the worse situations. I think this may top that list. Being the workaholic busy bee that I am, having a baby was a very scary thought. It wasn't about the pregnancy or raising the baby, but losing my identity as a career woman, a business owner, a wife and daughter. My time is already so packed with things to do for ourselves, I didn't know how to fit in a new life or what part of my existing life to give up.
The pregnancy was a surprise for us, we didn't think it'd happen so fast, but when it did everything changed. It was amazing how effortless your priority shifts on their own. I was taking even better care of myself. Chris was taking great care of me. And all those fears and anxiety I had didn't seem as big of a deal anymore. I felt very comfortable being pregnant, and I was happy all the time. I never took that many naps (especially in the movie theater, I slept through most of Bourne Ultimatum) I have never been as absent minded and I found it funny to be going through all those changes. And up until telling our family, Chris and I shared our little secret, a new challenge for us to face together, a new goal to become good parents.
When we found out it didn't work out for us this time, we looked on the bright side that the fact that we were able to conceive and my body for the most part reacted well was a great thing. We found a wonderful doctor who we like and trust. And with each friend we talked to who has given us so much love and support, we learned how common it really is for this to happen. And all of them later became proud parents of beautiful children.
This experience has given us a new outlook on life. And the life that was once so close to our hearts will always be remembered as the one who gave us the chance to learn so much about ourselves, our inner strength, our ability to heal, our courage to move on from heart ache. And make our hopes and dreams more clear.
Chris and I plan to plant something in the yard in memory of our loss. I hope the little angel knows we'll always think of him/her with fond memories. And to you, my dearest friends and family, Chris and I thanks you all from the bottom of our hearts for being there for us through it all.
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