In New York

"Is this really happening?" We have officially moved to New York. About 10 years ago, Chris and I came out here to interview. At the time I had no idea what it would be like to move across the country. I also didn't own any furniture or have a 3.5 year old to worry about. I'm not sure how we got here. The last few months has been a whirlwind, but I know it hasn't been difficult transition. Everything seemed to line up at the right time. I was done volunteering for the MOMS Club. I was learning things about myself and wanted to focus on my self-work. Chris and I were already looking for a larger home in LA so moving was already on our mind. We were ready for a change. A big change.

I packed my schedule in the last month in LA with get togethers with friends. I was happy to see everyone and didn't want to get sad about leaving. Mom went back to visit family in Taiwan and it was a tear-free goodbye. I'm not sure if I really didn't feel like I was moving that far away, or maybe I've turned off that part of my brain so I wouldn't just break down. Just stay busy and keep pack and unpacking. Get the house cleared, then fill up the new one back up. This time, everything has it's place.

I am finding where I need to go in the new city, but inside I'm feeling a bit lost. I am searching for a new school for Oliver, but scared of what that means for me. Time alone in a big city and time to get back into the job world. Re-decorating the house, but too tense to enjoy the beauty that surrounds me. I feel like I'm just floating. I guess that's normal for being in a new city, having not properly grieved for what's left behind. I am unsettled.

The other day I noticed that one of the windows in our bedroom had a view of a tree with yellow leaves, and the other window was a tree with red leaves. It was romantic and beautiful. And tonight, it was an orange sunset across the sky next to the lit up Manhattan skyline. This new place I call home is magical. I'm taking a deep breath now, reminding myself to just be in the moment.

Moms offering moms support

The MOMS in MOMS Club Club is an acronym that stands for "moms offering moms support." When I joined the club, I was very hesitant. I lived most of my life doing things on my own. I didn't believe in receiving help from others, especially from strangers. Asking for help would show my weakness, and I just can't have that.

I joined anyway because I was desperate. Being a first time mom and faced with the emotional ups and mostly downs was very tough. I was lost within myself. I felt stripped of my title as the career woman, and wasn't sure what I needed to do as a mother to get back to that same level of comfort I had at a 9 to 5 job. I am not great in social situations. I now have to be in play groups? talk to others about being a mom? what do I know? They'll see through it that I don't know what I am doing. I would be a failure. I would feel dumb. Why am I putting myself in a place to be judged?

It took a few months, but I did hit a turning point. I realized that I could offer my support and skills by redesigning the club's website. I found a place for myself and a role that the club needed, and it also fulfilled my own needs to be creative and productive. Once I got involved, I was hooked. I volunteered for so many committees that when the time came, the executive board asked if I wanted to be the next club president. I guess the career woman side of me took over and decided to go for it. I knew I could do the job and it would be a great opportunity to practice my public speaking skills. And little did I know how much more I would learn from taking on this position.

When I was a little girl I loved being a performer. I told stories and acted them out. I loved to put on school plays and wrote, directed, acted, and designed the sets and props. I spoke up to my parents that I wanted to audition for some kids show and going to acting schools. I had no fear being in front of an audience. And honestly, I don't know what made that go away. Maybe it was over one conversation when my sister wanted to go back to Taiwan by herself to pursue music and didn't want me to tag along. I do remember her saying that I won't make it as a teen pop star...she's probably right. It was at a time when Chinese teenagers from the US would go back to Asia and become big stars. I didn't see myself doing that, but being put down for it probably made me lose whatever confidence I had. Whatever the reason is, I labeled myself the shy girl, the socially awkward girl.

It took a few MOMS Club meetings before I felt more comfortable. I was forced to speak up with all the children throwing toys or crying in the background. I had to find a way to hold a meeting and get everyone's attention. What a great way to practice this skill with a group of women looking to me for support. And I had my well behaved son to show that I've done my job as a mom that he never fussed about waiting me at the meetings.

Then another big change happened in my life. Dad past away just a month after I became the club president. It was so sudden and I had to drop everything I was doing to take care of mom and the funeral arrangements. Somehow being the president for a short month has given me the confidence to be in charge. I took care of things the best I could. And the moms in the club that I became friends with all reached out to me. Some came to visit, others brought over food, and the club even made a donation to the temple in Dad's name. It was amazing and wonderful to feel the love and care for by people I've only met for a short time. And this unexpected support from the club, along with the passing of Dad, has opened a door for me. I was starting to trust others, and willing to receive help and show my vulnerable side.

The monthly newsletter for the club has an opening message from the president. From early on I decided to write about my experiences and share honestly about myself. My hopes was that maybe someone else who experiences the same thing can find comfort in knowing that she is not alone. And each month after the newsletter goes out, I'd get a few email responses about how much they enjoyed reading my writing. Writing always came naturally for me, but I never thought of myself as a writer. Even though I've written and published a tips book for first time moms, that was not written with much emotions but more practical advice. I really don't see myself as having a unique voice, but I guess I'm basically doing the same thing with this blog. And I have found that I do enjoy the process of writing. And somehow in the process of allowing the words to flow, the ideas and answers appears.

I am just not convinced. After years of suppressing my true emotions and hiding behind what I think people want to see, I have to start telling myself that I do have something important to say and deserves to be heard. I've developed the bad habit of a lot of bad self talk. The grown up me was very capable and confident, but the inner child me was terrified and angry over some unmet needs.

I do love to help people. And I genuinely care and want others to gain something from my actions. I tackled a big project with the MOMS Club by moving our entire group to a new website system. It was so much work and I was faced with some resistance, but I really believed in it and just went for it. The same thing happened when I decided to "split" the club. The club was getting too large in my opinion to offer one on one support. There was already a division due to geography, so I was able to convince everyone that starting a new Hollywood chapter would benefit everyone. Both of these big projects happened within a few months of each other. I was working day and night to make sure I can complete my vision. I was really burnt out by the end. However the positive feedback I received made it all worth it. I know the club would benefit from this change for years to come. And I was proud of myself for sticking to what I believed in and trusted that I can get it done.

Still, some part of what I do for others is to try to gain their approval. I do challenge myself and I love taking on a big task. And there's nothing bigger than picking up to move your family across the country to a place you've never been to. This time, I didn't really do it for anyone's approval. I did ask mom how she felt about it, but I was already one foot out the door. The birth of Oliver took my life in a whole new direction. If it weren't for him I'd still be designing movie posters in an office with the same people I've worked with for almost 10 years. I loved that job and everyone I worked with, but 10 years is a good run and I was time to move forward. Oliver's arrival shook me up. I was confused, exhausted, sad, terrified of all the unknown. I was motivated by giving him the best I can offer so I had to leave my comfort zone. I joined the MOMS Club that led me to so many more opportunities for myself.

At the going away party, so many of the moms came up to me and said "If it weren't for you…" I don't think I've heard that before but it felt great to know that I have made a difference. And all I had to do was to be myself and do what I believed was right. Another mom said what I'm doing is very brave, to move across the country. I didn't see myself that way either since I always feel so scared about so many things. I am slowly realizing that I am my biggest obstacle. I listened to my own negative talk for so long that I am not hearing the positive. Meanwhile, I've had a clothing business based on positive affirmation, a book on offering tips to help others. It's so strange that I behave like the person I "want to be", but not make the connection that I am that person already.

The MOMS Club has offered me so many opportunities to explore within the safety and care of other great moms. My inner child was loved and nurtured. I now have stronger wings and more stamina now to let myself fly freely.

I've always believed in everything happens for a reason and they happen at the time you need them to happen. Too bad I only realize this after the event, but at least I do recognize it. And I'm grateful to have been apart of a club that offered me the support I needed when I needed it the most.

Bye RubyLove!

It's been 5 years since I started RubyLove, and it's finally time to say goodbye. From being scared of not knowing what to do, to learning what I can do if I believed in myself, it was such a big learning experience.

The motivation for designing the Reflection-Tees was to help someone wearing the tee feel good on the inside while looking cute on the outside. I believe I have brought a few smiles to people who have bought the shirts. And the best part of it all is that Oliver loves seeing me wearing my "heart" shirts. He knows that means love, and he always asks me to wear them. On some nights when he feels like he needs me around, I will leave one of the RubyLove shirts with him in bed. So after everything, I know I'm making at least one very special someone smile.

Since our latest adventure of moving across the country requires us to pack lightly, I've decided to sell the RubyLove inventory. Even though I didn't have the time to work on the business in the last 3 years since Oliver was born, I thought about it often and saved many ideas of what I can do to revive the collection. I truly believe it's job is still not done and it's worth revisiting. However, I have accepted that I am not the person who can do the job. So I posted an ad on craigslist and began the interviewing process to find a new home for RubyLove. And after a few responses, one came across that made my heart sing. A lady who is in the business of helping women who have been abused was interested in buying the business. After a few exchanges, I decided she was the one who can breath a new life into RubyLove.

It's bittersweet saying goodbye to my first "baby", but I know she'll be well taken care of.

Final Message from the President, June 2011

Crawling, walking, talking, potty training...what's next? As my child becomes less dependent on me, I am starting to think about what's next for me? What new parenting skills do I need to learn to keep up with his never-ending curiosity? I've already become a construction truck expert, do I need to start playing soccer or baseball?

Those things are much more fun and easy compared to the most important thing I need to learn: letting go. It's a skill that I do not possess and desperately need to learn. I have held on to wonderful memories as well as painful experiences. I've held on to the praises I have received, but they are overshadowed by the criticisms that are held even closer. I've tried to control, even when I know it's really not my call.

With all these weighing on my shoulders, life has brought me a soon-to-be-three-year-old "life coach." As a proud parent of a bright and sweet child whom I love dearly, I must admit I often feel beaten by the end of the day. My son Oliver treats Lego-playing like it's a full-time job. It is fun to watch how focused and creatively his mind works. However, after 5 months of this daily exercise, it's just not that much fun for me anymore. There's not a story told at bedtime without an interruption of how he thinks the story should go. (Cute, but a real test for my patience.) Meal times are always a struggle, even though I know it's only a phase.

I hear it loud and clear: Let it go! When you take a step back, none of this matters. It's just in the moment and the repetition that can build a lot of toxic energy. And what it comes down to, is that in this relationship, my own needs aren't being met. I've gotten so used to putting his needs first, I am not sure I know what I need. And honestly, I've been "wrong" so many times, I am not even sure if I know what he needs.

As I finish my term as club President at the end of this month, I am once again faced with letting go. In the past year, I trusted my instincts to do what I felt the club needed. From switching to bigtent.com as our members-only website, to helping to start the Hollywood sister chapter, it wasn't all a smooth ride. I did my best, and can only hope that everyone has, in one way or another, benefit from the changes. This position has allowed me to connect with so many amazing women. And I appreciate what this experience has done for me in preparation for whatever comes next.

It's been a pleasure offering support to all of you.

Ann Dooley

P.S. It looks like moving to New York is becoming a reality. This will be the biggest challenge of letting go I have to face, but I am excited about the possibilities.

Between 35 and 36

(This entry was started in early May but was never completed till after we have moved out of our house in October 2011)

Lets see, what have I been up to...still running the moms club till end of june, I'm so burnt out because I've done so much for our chapter. I even started a new hollywood sister chapter with someone from our group...so it was twice the work. I had a freelance paid job that just won't go away, still not done. I volunteered for the school yearbook once they found out I am a designer. There's more moms club outings, brunches, playgroups blah blah blah. Then there's Oliver...We did have some time away in San Diego, then Palm Springs when there was a MOMS Club luncheon. And in 2 weeks we'll be accompanying Chris to NY so while he works, Oliver and I will go out sight seeing.

(update: Well, I've been finished with the MOMS Club duties for a few months now. I felt good stepping down and the club now has a great new president who is very driven and ambitious. I know she'll do great things with the chapter.) The new Hollywood chapter is up and running and growing. The school yearbook was finished on time and everyone seems to be happy with the finished product. Oliver is more amazing than ever and I love him more each second of the day. Palm Springs was fun spending time with Chris and Oliver at the pool. Oliver now loves playing in the water....Then there's the trip to New York, what a trip! we came back and decided it's time for us to move there.)

My mom has been in Asia and won't be back till July 3rd. So with the extra time I have not visiting her, I somehow have filled it with Chris's parents visits so Oliver gets some grandparents time.

(Update: While mom was away I had our gardeners go and clear out her yard. She often takes these 3 months trips to Asia and it's just too much work to maintain the yard. So the best solution, although it doesn't look great, is to not have anything grow in the front so when she's away it doesn't look like a mess.) She's also used the gardener to add a pergola in the back yard. I don't think she's spent any time in the shade, but it's at least cleaned up.)

For mother's day, the Dooley 3 went to a really great restaurant just around the corner for brunch. then ordered in that night. And then for my birthday Chris took me out to dinner. I also got a manicure and pedicure while Oliver was in school. That was a nice treat for myself.

(Update: I'm probably due for another pedicure. I did get a wonderful gift from the MOMS Club when I completed my term. A gift certificate to my esthetician. I used it for a chemical peel which I had a very strong reaction to. So for about a week I looked like a burnt victim with very dark leathery skin that peeled off over a week. The good news is the new skin underneath looks amazing! I'm not sure if I'd do it again, but I plan to take better care of my skin from now on.)

Oh yah, I have been working on the house, making changes, cleaning up, having yard sales and selling stuff on Craig's list. De-clutter, organize, and as Oliver would like to say "making our house beautiful!"

(Update: So I was trying to make the house look nice so we can enjoy it for a few more years. I was also motivated by Oliver's 3rd birthday party to get everything in top shape. Turns out that was only the beginning of my de-cluttering. I even got myself a new gmail account to be used for my Craigslist ads. As soon as we decided to move to New York, I begin to sell everything we're not brining with us. It's amazing when you know you don't have room for something, the value of it drops to zero. I set a goal and began my part time job as a sales person. I sold our furniture, car, stuff we've collected over the last 8 years, and things we've carried around from way before Chris and I ever met. I went through 10 large photo albums and selected over 700 photos to be scanned and tossed the rest. It was emotionally cleansing to get rid of things that had no meaning to us. We are using the money towards getting nice furniture that we'll keep and things we will appreciate when we are in our new home.)

We are planning to take Oliver to Legoland next month. I'm really looking forward to it.

(Update: Legoland was a blast! We spent 2 days there and had such a great time in the water park. Oliver even drove a little car by himself. We were so proud of him when he did it, and it seemed that he was proud of himself as well.)

Once I'm done with any moms club duties, I plan to do more quality Ann time. More exercise, eat better, sleep more, and spend time with my friends.

(Well, that was the plan. It all changed when it became packing up the house, selling whatever we don't need, and move across the country. I am getting to have some down time. Our move in date at our new home is in November and we rented out our house starting October. So with the month in between we are staying with my father in law. This is a nice transition where we can take care of a few more things in LA. Chris can keep working and Oliver can keep going to school. I get some time to catch up on writing in my blog and meeting up with friends.)

The last thing to mention is that for 6 weeks in May, I hosted a parenting class at our house every Wednesday evening. It's a class I heard about from someone in the MOMS Club. The class was based on non-violent communication and respectful parenting. It was a wonderful class that gave us great insights to how the brain develops and how we need to connect with our children to satisfy their needs. This is done with setting limits and using empathy to try to come up with a solution that will satisfy your own needs as well. The class really helped Chris and I to be on the same page when it comes to discipline. It's a hard practice, but I can see how important it is to have that connection with our children. Since the class I have purchased a few audio books and downloaded blogs related to the subject.

So there's been some major changes in the last 6 months. There a lot of adjustments but I feel optimistic that this change will bring a lot of good to our lives. It's a risk we never would have taken if we didn't have the support of our family and friends. We are very lucky to have this opportunity to start over in such a great city. I know Oliver will be changed forever, and I am excited for him as well.

May Message from the President

For 34 years of my life, the month of May was all about how to celebrate my birthday. I was born on May 10th, which often falls either on, just before, or after Mother's Day. Every year my mom reminds me about the hours of labor she went through, and I stress out over what gift to buy her to show my gratitude. Then Oliver came along, and we started to combine my birthday, Mother's Day, and grandma appreciation into one big celebration. I enjoy party planning, so my focus has always been on the decoration and what food to serve. In recent years though, I needed to understand what I am really celebrating. At 36, I'm still putting the pieces together that make up who I am as a person, a wife, a mother, and a daughter.

Part 1

I have heard of a show called ―Expressing Motherhood,‖ a play about real moms sharing real stories about motherhood. Last week I got an email about it because a mom I know is in the show. So I clicked on the link and saw a preview of it. While watching it my heart started pounding. You see, a long, long time ago, I had an interest in performing. I wrote my own stories, directed my classmates, and loved acting. I thought for sure that I would become a performer especially since my mom was a professional singer. Then I moved to the US. Without knowing the language, and no parents to support my interest; I not only stopped performing, I hid the fact that I enjoyed it. Since then I have only watched others perform with both excitement and envy...kind of the same heart-pounding feeling I got when I saw the preview of that show.

Part 2

A few weeks ago when the weather started to get warmer, I decided it was time to do some reorganizing of our backyard. I was motivated: my husband was away on business for the week, and would come home to a newly decorated space. On a sunny morning, I slapped on some sunscreen and went to work. I used all of my strength to move the furniture, scrubbed them down and bought some new cushions, planted new flowers hoping they'd survive. For Oliver, I made a sand and water table using storage container with lid, placed on a low table, filled it up with play sand, and water. When everything was done, Oliver and I spent the next few days playing outside, reading on the chaise, and had breakfast, lunch, and dinner outdoors. I was almost in tears when Oliver said "I love this house!" and I couldn't wait to show it to my husband.

Part 3

While Oliver was on spring break, we met Grandma in Irvine to check out Pretend City Children's Museum. It's a giant indoor playground with little police station, grocery store, construction site, doctor's office, and even a beach and a farm. The GPS says it would take an hour to get there. We left home around naptime so Oliver would wake up feeling energized for some serious playing. However, this resulted in being stuck in traffic for the drive home. Just 10 minutes into the drive I hear, "I want to get out now!" I tried to keep my cool for the next hour, doing whatever I could to keep Oliver entertained. By 5pm I was stressed out and exhausted. We continued on until I couldn't take his protest anymore. I broke down in tears and told Oliver I was trying my best to get us home as soon as possible. To my surprise he was very sweet and said, "It's ok mommy, it's ok."

Part 4

I love my mother, but I am also in therapy because of my upbringing. She can be quite unpredictable. Sometimes when I unknowingly upset her, she'd sit with it for a few days then explodes on me. Needless to say I get very nervous when she calls or visits. When my father suddenly passed away 9 months ago, chauffeuring mom and running her errands became my responsibility. Maybe during the process of letting go, she has also let go of some of the expectations she had from me. I too had to set aside my own issues with her and only concentrate on her wellbeing. Luckily she found strength and a new focus. My mother became very active in volunteering and even started to drive herself and made some new friends. She's now on vacation visiting her family in Asia for 3 months, which means I too am getting a little vacation from her.

Conclusion:

If I didn't look carefully, I would have missed all the clues in my everyday life. The things that make my heart pound with excitement, that makes me use all of my energy to create, to hit a breaking point, and to recognize my fears, these are the things that make me who I am. Which seems funny, because before becoming a mother, I would have said to you I am a graphic designer. And this realization has opened me up to all the possibilities of who I can continue to grow into. While along the way collecting all the pieces that make up "me".

April Message from the President

How many times have we changed our minds about what we wanted? Or gotten annoyed when someone asked us to do something that we weren't ready to do? For grown ups, we have many options and the ability to adapt to new situations. For our children, this is a much different experience, not knowing what to expect, or how to handle the unknown. It's no wonder that they kick and scream to let us know how much they don't like it.

I am sure I did my share of saying no when I was a toddler, but at some point in my childhood I learned to just be agreeable. I learned to have a lot of self control and suppress my own needs to keep my parents from worrying or getting upset. My inner child would have the temper tantrums, but my adult self would convince her to let it go. To this day, I am not good at saying no. As a result, I often create unnecessary stress for myself. So, in some ways, I am actually jealous of Oliver having no fear of speaking his mind and expressing his needs.

The tough part is setting the boundaries. With every no from him, I need to decide if this is a battle worth fighting for. When he says no to going to bed, is it because he is scared of the dark? Or does he simply want to play more? When he throws his food on the floor, is he just testing to see how mad I would get? Or is he just not hungry? Because whatever the reason is, I'd like to know. I need to know because long ago I decided that I want to raise a child who can think for himself. I don't need him to obey every rule just to please me because that can backfire someday when he no longer needs my approval. I need to know because I want us to have an open communication, so he can talk freely and trust that he will be heard.

My very first taste of the terrible twos was when Oliver was 18 months old. I was not prepared to handle this change in my sweet little boy. He could go from being very content, to a total melt down in just seconds. I felt helpless next to my boy who is crying hysterically and kicking his feet while lying on the floor. My attempts to control the situation only made things worse. My stress level was high, and it felt like it was never going to end.

That night I was on Amazon.com ordering The Happiest Toddler on the Block with next day shipping. The DVD had confirmed what I learned from other books about respecting another person, no matter what age they are. Everything made sense in theory, but it's very hard to put it into action when you are feeling flustered and scared yourself. Too often we are focused on our own agendas and we can't see or hear someone else's point. It took a lot of practice, but when I finally put myself aside and let Oliver know that I heard him loud and clear, we came to a new understanding. Even if I knew he wasn't going to get what he wanted, it was more important that I got his message. Then it's all about showing empathy and to let him down easily. Often I just have to sit and rub his back while he cries until he is ready to move on.

Now Oliver is close to being 3 years old. I must say we have a pretty good understanding of one another. He knows when I mean business, and he knows it's a give and take relationship. I use every opportunity I have to let him know what the boundaries are before something happens. I give him advance notices and include him in the decision making for the next activity. Although once in a while he still has a tantrum, often I'm the cause of it for over scheduling his day.

There are certain situations that come up on a regular basis that still make me nervous, especially if we have to be some place by a certain time, or if I know he can't have my full attention. I'm usually nervous before our monthly All- Member meetings. And I've used everything from keeping him busy with his favorite snacks to handing over my phone so he can look at pictures or play games. What ended up working the best is prepping Oliver that we'll be going to the meeting first, then to the park. I ask him to be my little helper to set up the toys and clean up. Then I make sure that we have some quality time together after the meeting. And I always tell him how much I appreciate his patience and assistance. Since being open and honest about what I need from him, he's impressed me so much with how well behaved he can be even when he really would rather be at the park.

March Message from the President

"Madagascar!" "Yugoslavia!" Only Oprah can make you feel empowered on one show, then completely inadequate on another. I'm referring to an episode showcasing a two-year- old who knows more geography than most of the population.

In the past decade, many new products, books, and classes have come out on the topic of brain development and ways to get our children ahead of the game. The moment I found out I was pregnant, I was already behind in what I can do for my child. I gave up on my favorite foods and took my prenatal vitamins religiously. My first step in parenting was, embarrassingly, the purchase of this fanny pack sound machine thing that was supposed to help the baby to self sooth. I don't even think I knew what self-sooth meant, but I just needed to do something other than watch my stomach get bigger.

When Oliver was 9 weeks old, I was still struggling with the idea of putting my career on hold. I was feeling isolated but scared to go out with my baby. And honestly, more scared to step into my new life as a mom and doing "mom stuff". I couldn't picture myself doing things like pushing the stroller through the mall on a weekday morning, or having play dates or baby classes. Somehow that felt more intimidating to me than going to work at a new job in an office.

For the future of my child, I finally ventured out (4 miles to be exact) in pursuit of higher education for him. I had learned about the Outside the Box classes from my doula Octavia who started the company. The classes focus on sensory stimulation which helps with brain development. I arrived to class in a room with 10 other moms and their babies, some moms nursing, some changing diapers. This was unfamiliar territory, but everyone was very nice and wanted to know more about Oliver. I followed along during circle time the best I could, and watched Oliver intently to see how he was handling this new environment. Then the instructor, aka the facilitator, took out a great big drum for the babies to sit on while she played it. The vibration and sound was definitely a new experience for us. And to my surprise, all the babies loved it. Then she gave all of us large colorful feathers to wave over our babies. I think Oliver and I both had a moment where we thought "Hey! This is different, and I like it!" I saw that spark in his eyes that every mother hopes to see again and again. So for the next 6 months, we went to class every week.

The one thing that stuck out to me most in the class was how the babies responded to new stimulations over time. Those who have been going to class regularly gradually had higher tolerance for new stimulations. They all seem to be more happy and curious when something different is revealed to them. The new babies attending the class, in comparison, would either falls asleep, or cry, or needs to be nursed when the same stimulation is presented to them. And it was consistent even if the child coming in was older.

So as Oliver becomes more comfortable with new sensory experiences, I also became more at ease with being a mom. I did take him to the mall in the middle of the day, and nursed him wearing my blue polka-dotted nursing cover. Oliver has been in many music and gym classes, and countless play dates. I've definitely gotten over the fear and trouble of leaving the house, and the need to hold on to my career. So I guess we both have gone "outside the box".

February Message from the President

In some ways, we all have our partners to thank for us becoming members of this club. The father of our children, who did their part in order for us to experience the most intense and amazing love when we became mothers.

About 14 years ago, I met my husband in college. We soon became friends and found out that we had much more than design in common. We both have had "chaotic" relationships in the past, so it was quite refreshing to be with someone with such ease. The second week we were together we both felt that we could get married the next day, and we'd always be that comfortable around one another. With that thought in mind, and a common drive to succeed in the design field, we felt like a winning team. And talk about synchronicity, even combining our initials made the acronym of our school. In my mind, we were meant to be.

Everyone saw my happiness except for my parents...mainly because they didn't know about this love of my life. It was too risky considering they gave me an ultimatum to not pay for my college and I'd be disowned if I stayed with my ex- boyfriend. I think that would make anyone think twice before bringing someone home until you are sure you can handle the consequences. Everyone else in my life knew about this including my now in-laws. Their understanding and respect confirmed my believe that this is the family I want to be a part of. However, this enabled me to live a double life for over four years.

During that time I traveled all over Europe with my boyfriend, looked for jobs together in New York. After graduating from college we moved in together. I was happy living my dream, and very much in denial that I could keep living that way. Through it all, my boyfriend waited patiently and trusted how I was handling the situation with my parents. And I guess whatever "plan" I had worked out, Chris and I got married in 2002 with my parents' blessings.

In the years that followed, we bought our first home, and all seemed to be going well. However, while working hard to build our own careers, we seemed to have forgotten about working on our relationship as well. We went through times when we felt like roommates, we had little to talk about. I don't even think we knew what went wrong to know how to fix it. We were at a limbo. And I was at the age when even my doctor was telling me not to wait too long to have a baby.

I've always just assumed that someday I'll become a mom, but when the time came I was terrified. I felt like I would be losing my career, my whole definition of who I am, and knowing our marriage needed work didn't help either. And maybe in some strange way the universe had a plan for us. We got pregnant right away, but after 10 weeks we lost the baby. It was one of the most devastating events that has ever happened to us, and one that would bring two people who forgot how to love one another together as a team again.

We were as happy as any new parents can be when our baby boy arrived. However, sleep deprivation and stress added a new pressure to a somewhat fragile relationship. Becoming a stay at home mom also took a toll on my emotional health. I felt lost and lonely. And I took being a full-time mom to the extreme and forgot to how to be a wife, or even just be myself.

We have heard that in order to love someone else, you must first learn to love yourself. I can see now how 14 years ago when my priority was to be independent and building a career, that was me loving myself. That in return made me lovable to someone else. And as much as I give my son all of my time and affection, it is time for my focus has shifted back to myself, my relationship with my husband, and having a healthy loving family life. I need to honor who I am. And each day I am kinder and more loving to myself.

January Message from the President

The new year for many of us represents new opportunities to make this
year better than the last. It is a chance to reflect on memories we'd
never forget, what we had learned, and what we'd like to leave behind.
One particular topic that's been on my mind is what made me the mom
that I am today. What motivates me to give up my needs for my child?
What kind of childhood memories do I want to help create for him?

I never thought that raising Oliver would give me a second chance to
experience childhood. Although there has been countless moments where
I have fully immersed myself in the presence of this beautiful and
pure being, I couldn't ignore how this has triggered my unresolved
issues with my own upbringing.

I came from a simple family of four. My parents were hard working
people, working late nights, doing their best to provide for me and my
older sister. We were just an ordinary family that had our share of
ups and downs, but mostly we all love each other very much. There was,
however, an important piece missing. It was the lack of understanding
and respect for autonomy. I was, and my parents were, raised in a
culture based on respecting the elderly members of your family. Of
course we should, but often this also meant that the close knit family
was bound together by fear and shame. If there was ever a
disagreement, the threat of being rejected was not an uncommon
solution. This meant suppressing your own needs and wants to keep the
peace. And to a child, this becomes her tool for survival. If I do
what was in "my best interest", I will be loved.

When I was 10, my sister and I were relocated to California to live
the American dream. We lived with our grandparents while our parents
stayed in Taiwan to work and supported us financially. This was the
turning point of my life. Part of me understood it was a painful
decision they had to make for my future, but some part of me still
felt the pain of abandonment, and the pressure that I must succeed so
the price they paid (literally and figuratively) wouldn't go to waste.
What I didn't expect was being exposed to the openness of the western
culture, and the concept of unconditional love, would began my journey
for the search of my true self.

I spent the years that followed, doing everything I could be be the perfect daughter for my parents, while behind their backs did what was necessary to achieve my own dreams. And the more I hid from my parents the life I wanted to live, the more terrified and shameful I felt about this double life.

Although this happened because my parents decided to moved me here to have a better life, similar pain is felt by my older sister who moved back to Taiwan and lived on her own. So something tells me that we both learned to self-sooth and cope with not having our parents around while growing up has shaped us to the adult women that we are today. And when my energy to hide ran out, I tried to win them over by my achievements, only to find that no matter what I did they still had different expectations from me.

After becoming a mom, my childhood strongly affected how I parent my
child. Every time he cried when I left the room reminded me of when I
cried as a child when my parents weren't there for me. Every time he
expressed his needs, I struggled with finding how to meet them without
taking over. My fears of not being able to separate my own history
from the present resulted in me finally seeking professional help. I
have learned that even though my parents had good intentions, they
just didn't have the tools and resources to support me the way I
needed. The grown up me has become an organized (to find order in my
chaotic life), perfectionist busy body (to try to please), while deep
down inside I am still a child looking to feel safe and loved.

These days, I am learning that there is a difference between being
good, and doing good. When I see Oliver, all I see is how pure and
good he is. I love him unconditionally and remind him daily. I find
the easiest days are the ones that I focus on being in the moment. I
have learned to be playful and not always so aware of the rules I've
made for myself as a child. No matter what has happened in the past,
each day is a new beginning. And everyday I try to be conscious of who
I am and trusting in myself to be a good parent.

December Message from the President

"Is that a surprise for me?" My two and a half year old son asked when a package arrived at our house. "No, it's a package for Daddy." I replied. "It looks like it's for me." He said. I ended up giving him the box which later became a garage for his toy cars. This isn't the first time we've had this conversation. It seems that for some time now I've been using an unopened toy or his favorite snack as a bargaining chip for his cooperation. I had been putting off having the other conversation with myself about what exactly am I teaching my son? I know I do it for my own survival, to prevent a tantrum or another stressful situation. However, have I created a bigger monster in the process? Has he become a child who gets so excited about getting something new that he would do whatever I asked? Or one who is always wondering "what's in it for me?" And this is going through my head while I click through every Amazon link trying to find the perfect garbage truck toy for him, I guess this time I can blame Santa for bribing him to be a good boy.

Maybe it's not that bad. It's tough being a mom and we do need to have some ammunition when battling over who is in control. I sometimes feel like I'm a contestant on Survivor being outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted by a toddler. And it's never in the moment that I can come up with a reasonable solution. And on days when he decided to really test me, I just want to roll up into a ball and hide in the corner. So I give in, then later feel guilty for "taking the easy way out" or defeated, and sometimes relieved that I've dodged a bullet.

I had to dig deep to find some more energy to rethink my approach. I recall on many occasions when I had to improvise because I didn't pack something for Oliver to play with. The resourceful side in me turned to myself and became his favorite toy. And somehow having Oliver sit on my knees while I pretended to be a construction truck made the time pass so much quicker..and happier. Another time I cracked him up when I covered my face with hair and try to blow them off. Or when we pretended to plant a flower, water it and wait for it to grow, I saw his eyes lit up when the invisible flowers came out of the ground.

So maybe before I buy a new toy to get myself out of a "situation", I should be asking him "Would you do this for me if we'll play together after?" And come to think of it, how often have I hopped in the tub full of bubbles myself so he would take a bath. And how I tried to get him to go to bed, with the promise of a game we'll play in the morning. And those times when he thinks about "what's in it for me?" I'm sure he was delighted by the thought of more quality time with mommy or daddy.

And what about those tantrums? I must admit that I don't give Oliver enough credit for being a very reasonable person (when he's well- rested and fed). I got so used to telling him that something is broken because I didn't want him to turn it on, or something is all gone because I didn't want him to have any more. I did that so often, I imagine Oliver probably thinks that we only have broken things and nothing is ever replaced in our home. I have to remind myself that just because a few months ago he didn't understand something, it doesn't mean he still doesn't understand it now. After I read an interesting article about how our children benefit from feeling their negative emotions and working through them, I decided to face the truth myself. Using some of the techniques I learned from watching "Happiest Toddler On The Block", I felt comfortable enough to approach Oliver with my request. I first acknowledge what it was that he wanted, followed by what I wanted as honest and clear as possible, then be empathic without changing my message while he worked through his sadness and frustrations. Sure, he still got upset, but the difference was that I was being understanding while in control. And I was pleasantly surprised by how quickly the situation was diffused. And realizing that I should have had more respect for him to be honest and reasonable, even at his young age.

It is tough being a parent. It is especially tough being a parent around the holidays when there are a million more things to take care of. With everything said, I know there will still be days when I am too tired to remember to do things differently. Oliver will still be waking up to a new toy truck waiting for him come Christmas morning. However, he'll definitely be getting a lot more of my undivided attention.

From the Dooley family, we wish you all a very happy holiday season!