"Is that a surprise for me?" My two and a half year old son asked when a package arrived at our house. "No, it's a package for Daddy." I replied. "It looks like it's for me." He said. I ended up giving him the box which later became a garage for his toy cars. This isn't the first time we've had this conversation. It seems that for some time now I've been using an unopened toy or his favorite snack as a bargaining chip for his cooperation. I had been putting off having the other conversation with myself about what exactly am I teaching my son? I know I do it for my own survival, to prevent a tantrum or another stressful situation. However, have I created a bigger monster in the process? Has he become a child who gets so excited about getting something new that he would do whatever I asked? Or one who is always wondering "what's in it for me?" And this is going through my head while I click through every Amazon link trying to find the perfect garbage truck toy for him, I guess this time I can blame Santa for bribing him to be a good boy.
Maybe it's not that bad. It's tough being a mom and we do need to have some ammunition when battling over who is in control. I sometimes feel like I'm a contestant on Survivor being outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted by a toddler. And it's never in the moment that I can come up with a reasonable solution. And on days when he decided to really test me, I just want to roll up into a ball and hide in the corner. So I give in, then later feel guilty for "taking the easy way out" or defeated, and sometimes relieved that I've dodged a bullet.
I had to dig deep to find some more energy to rethink my approach. I recall on many occasions when I had to improvise because I didn't pack something for Oliver to play with. The resourceful side in me turned to myself and became his favorite toy. And somehow having Oliver sit on my knees while I pretended to be a construction truck made the time pass so much quicker..and happier. Another time I cracked him up when I covered my face with hair and try to blow them off. Or when we pretended to plant a flower, water it and wait for it to grow, I saw his eyes lit up when the invisible flowers came out of the ground.
So maybe before I buy a new toy to get myself out of a "situation", I should be asking him "Would you do this for me if we'll play together after?" And come to think of it, how often have I hopped in the tub full of bubbles myself so he would take a bath. And how I tried to get him to go to bed, with the promise of a game we'll play in the morning. And those times when he thinks about "what's in it for me?" I'm sure he was delighted by the thought of more quality time with mommy or daddy.
And what about those tantrums? I must admit that I don't give Oliver enough credit for being a very reasonable person (when he's well- rested and fed). I got so used to telling him that something is broken because I didn't want him to turn it on, or something is all gone because I didn't want him to have any more. I did that so often, I imagine Oliver probably thinks that we only have broken things and nothing is ever replaced in our home. I have to remind myself that just because a few months ago he didn't understand something, it doesn't mean he still doesn't understand it now. After I read an interesting article about how our children benefit from feeling their negative emotions and working through them, I decided to face the truth myself. Using some of the techniques I learned from watching "Happiest Toddler On The Block", I felt comfortable enough to approach Oliver with my request. I first acknowledge what it was that he wanted, followed by what I wanted as honest and clear as possible, then be empathic without changing my message while he worked through his sadness and frustrations. Sure, he still got upset, but the difference was that I was being understanding while in control. And I was pleasantly surprised by how quickly the situation was diffused. And realizing that I should have had more respect for him to be honest and reasonable, even at his young age.
It is tough being a parent. It is especially tough being a parent around the holidays when there are a million more things to take care of. With everything said, I know there will still be days when I am too tired to remember to do things differently. Oliver will still be waking up to a new toy truck waiting for him come Christmas morning. However, he'll definitely be getting a lot more of my undivided attention.
From the Dooley family, we wish you all a very happy holiday season!
No comments:
Post a Comment