How many times have we changed our minds about what we wanted? Or gotten annoyed when someone asked us to do something that we weren't ready to do? For grown ups, we have many options and the ability to adapt to new situations. For our children, this is a much different experience, not knowing what to expect, or how to handle the unknown. It's no wonder that they kick and scream to let us know how much they don't like it.
I am sure I did my share of saying no when I was a toddler, but at some point in my childhood I learned to just be agreeable. I learned to have a lot of self control and suppress my own needs to keep my parents from worrying or getting upset. My inner child would have the temper tantrums, but my adult self would convince her to let it go. To this day, I am not good at saying no. As a result, I often create unnecessary stress for myself. So, in some ways, I am actually jealous of Oliver having no fear of speaking his mind and expressing his needs.
The tough part is setting the boundaries. With every no from him, I need to decide if this is a battle worth fighting for. When he says no to going to bed, is it because he is scared of the dark? Or does he simply want to play more? When he throws his food on the floor, is he just testing to see how mad I would get? Or is he just not hungry? Because whatever the reason is, I'd like to know. I need to know because long ago I decided that I want to raise a child who can think for himself. I don't need him to obey every rule just to please me because that can backfire someday when he no longer needs my approval. I need to know because I want us to have an open communication, so he can talk freely and trust that he will be heard.
My very first taste of the terrible twos was when Oliver was 18 months old. I was not prepared to handle this change in my sweet little boy. He could go from being very content, to a total melt down in just seconds. I felt helpless next to my boy who is crying hysterically and kicking his feet while lying on the floor. My attempts to control the situation only made things worse. My stress level was high, and it felt like it was never going to end.
That night I was on Amazon.com ordering The Happiest Toddler on the Block with next day shipping. The DVD had confirmed what I learned from other books about respecting another person, no matter what age they are. Everything made sense in theory, but it's very hard to put it into action when you are feeling flustered and scared yourself. Too often we are focused on our own agendas and we can't see or hear someone else's point. It took a lot of practice, but when I finally put myself aside and let Oliver know that I heard him loud and clear, we came to a new understanding. Even if I knew he wasn't going to get what he wanted, it was more important that I got his message. Then it's all about showing empathy and to let him down easily. Often I just have to sit and rub his back while he cries until he is ready to move on.
Now Oliver is close to being 3 years old. I must say we have a pretty good understanding of one another. He knows when I mean business, and he knows it's a give and take relationship. I use every opportunity I have to let him know what the boundaries are before something happens. I give him advance notices and include him in the decision making for the next activity. Although once in a while he still has a tantrum, often I'm the cause of it for over scheduling his day.
There are certain situations that come up on a regular basis that still make me nervous, especially if we have to be some place by a certain time, or if I know he can't have my full attention. I'm usually nervous before our monthly All- Member meetings. And I've used everything from keeping him busy with his favorite snacks to handing over my phone so he can look at pictures or play games. What ended up working the best is prepping Oliver that we'll be going to the meeting first, then to the park. I ask him to be my little helper to set up the toys and clean up. Then I make sure that we have some quality time together after the meeting. And I always tell him how much I appreciate his patience and assistance. Since being open and honest about what I need from him, he's impressed me so much with how well behaved he can be even when he really would rather be at the park.
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