In some ways, we all have our partners to thank for us becoming members of this club. The father of our children, who did their part in order for us to experience the most intense and amazing love when we became mothers.
About 14 years ago, I met my husband in college. We soon became friends and found out that we had much more than design in common. We both have had "chaotic" relationships in the past, so it was quite refreshing to be with someone with such ease. The second week we were together we both felt that we could get married the next day, and we'd always be that comfortable around one another. With that thought in mind, and a common drive to succeed in the design field, we felt like a winning team. And talk about synchronicity, even combining our initials made the acronym of our school. In my mind, we were meant to be.
Everyone saw my happiness except for my parents...mainly because they didn't know about this love of my life. It was too risky considering they gave me an ultimatum to not pay for my college and I'd be disowned if I stayed with my ex- boyfriend. I think that would make anyone think twice before bringing someone home until you are sure you can handle the consequences. Everyone else in my life knew about this including my now in-laws. Their understanding and respect confirmed my believe that this is the family I want to be a part of. However, this enabled me to live a double life for over four years.
During that time I traveled all over Europe with my boyfriend, looked for jobs together in New York. After graduating from college we moved in together. I was happy living my dream, and very much in denial that I could keep living that way. Through it all, my boyfriend waited patiently and trusted how I was handling the situation with my parents. And I guess whatever "plan" I had worked out, Chris and I got married in 2002 with my parents' blessings.
In the years that followed, we bought our first home, and all seemed to be going well. However, while working hard to build our own careers, we seemed to have forgotten about working on our relationship as well. We went through times when we felt like roommates, we had little to talk about. I don't even think we knew what went wrong to know how to fix it. We were at a limbo. And I was at the age when even my doctor was telling me not to wait too long to have a baby.
I've always just assumed that someday I'll become a mom, but when the time came I was terrified. I felt like I would be losing my career, my whole definition of who I am, and knowing our marriage needed work didn't help either. And maybe in some strange way the universe had a plan for us. We got pregnant right away, but after 10 weeks we lost the baby. It was one of the most devastating events that has ever happened to us, and one that would bring two people who forgot how to love one another together as a team again.
We were as happy as any new parents can be when our baby boy arrived. However, sleep deprivation and stress added a new pressure to a somewhat fragile relationship. Becoming a stay at home mom also took a toll on my emotional health. I felt lost and lonely. And I took being a full-time mom to the extreme and forgot to how to be a wife, or even just be myself.
We have heard that in order to love someone else, you must first learn to love yourself. I can see now how 14 years ago when my priority was to be independent and building a career, that was me loving myself. That in return made me lovable to someone else. And as much as I give my son all of my time and affection, it is time for my focus has shifted back to myself, my relationship with my husband, and having a healthy loving family life. I need to honor who I am. And each day I am kinder and more loving to myself.
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