Between 35 and 36

(This entry was started in early May but was never completed till after we have moved out of our house in October 2011)

Lets see, what have I been up to...still running the moms club till end of june, I'm so burnt out because I've done so much for our chapter. I even started a new hollywood sister chapter with someone from our group...so it was twice the work. I had a freelance paid job that just won't go away, still not done. I volunteered for the school yearbook once they found out I am a designer. There's more moms club outings, brunches, playgroups blah blah blah. Then there's Oliver...We did have some time away in San Diego, then Palm Springs when there was a MOMS Club luncheon. And in 2 weeks we'll be accompanying Chris to NY so while he works, Oliver and I will go out sight seeing.

(update: Well, I've been finished with the MOMS Club duties for a few months now. I felt good stepping down and the club now has a great new president who is very driven and ambitious. I know she'll do great things with the chapter.) The new Hollywood chapter is up and running and growing. The school yearbook was finished on time and everyone seems to be happy with the finished product. Oliver is more amazing than ever and I love him more each second of the day. Palm Springs was fun spending time with Chris and Oliver at the pool. Oliver now loves playing in the water....Then there's the trip to New York, what a trip! we came back and decided it's time for us to move there.)

My mom has been in Asia and won't be back till July 3rd. So with the extra time I have not visiting her, I somehow have filled it with Chris's parents visits so Oliver gets some grandparents time.

(Update: While mom was away I had our gardeners go and clear out her yard. She often takes these 3 months trips to Asia and it's just too much work to maintain the yard. So the best solution, although it doesn't look great, is to not have anything grow in the front so when she's away it doesn't look like a mess.) She's also used the gardener to add a pergola in the back yard. I don't think she's spent any time in the shade, but it's at least cleaned up.)

For mother's day, the Dooley 3 went to a really great restaurant just around the corner for brunch. then ordered in that night. And then for my birthday Chris took me out to dinner. I also got a manicure and pedicure while Oliver was in school. That was a nice treat for myself.

(Update: I'm probably due for another pedicure. I did get a wonderful gift from the MOMS Club when I completed my term. A gift certificate to my esthetician. I used it for a chemical peel which I had a very strong reaction to. So for about a week I looked like a burnt victim with very dark leathery skin that peeled off over a week. The good news is the new skin underneath looks amazing! I'm not sure if I'd do it again, but I plan to take better care of my skin from now on.)

Oh yah, I have been working on the house, making changes, cleaning up, having yard sales and selling stuff on Craig's list. De-clutter, organize, and as Oliver would like to say "making our house beautiful!"

(Update: So I was trying to make the house look nice so we can enjoy it for a few more years. I was also motivated by Oliver's 3rd birthday party to get everything in top shape. Turns out that was only the beginning of my de-cluttering. I even got myself a new gmail account to be used for my Craigslist ads. As soon as we decided to move to New York, I begin to sell everything we're not brining with us. It's amazing when you know you don't have room for something, the value of it drops to zero. I set a goal and began my part time job as a sales person. I sold our furniture, car, stuff we've collected over the last 8 years, and things we've carried around from way before Chris and I ever met. I went through 10 large photo albums and selected over 700 photos to be scanned and tossed the rest. It was emotionally cleansing to get rid of things that had no meaning to us. We are using the money towards getting nice furniture that we'll keep and things we will appreciate when we are in our new home.)

We are planning to take Oliver to Legoland next month. I'm really looking forward to it.

(Update: Legoland was a blast! We spent 2 days there and had such a great time in the water park. Oliver even drove a little car by himself. We were so proud of him when he did it, and it seemed that he was proud of himself as well.)

Once I'm done with any moms club duties, I plan to do more quality Ann time. More exercise, eat better, sleep more, and spend time with my friends.

(Well, that was the plan. It all changed when it became packing up the house, selling whatever we don't need, and move across the country. I am getting to have some down time. Our move in date at our new home is in November and we rented out our house starting October. So with the month in between we are staying with my father in law. This is a nice transition where we can take care of a few more things in LA. Chris can keep working and Oliver can keep going to school. I get some time to catch up on writing in my blog and meeting up with friends.)

The last thing to mention is that for 6 weeks in May, I hosted a parenting class at our house every Wednesday evening. It's a class I heard about from someone in the MOMS Club. The class was based on non-violent communication and respectful parenting. It was a wonderful class that gave us great insights to how the brain develops and how we need to connect with our children to satisfy their needs. This is done with setting limits and using empathy to try to come up with a solution that will satisfy your own needs as well. The class really helped Chris and I to be on the same page when it comes to discipline. It's a hard practice, but I can see how important it is to have that connection with our children. Since the class I have purchased a few audio books and downloaded blogs related to the subject.

So there's been some major changes in the last 6 months. There a lot of adjustments but I feel optimistic that this change will bring a lot of good to our lives. It's a risk we never would have taken if we didn't have the support of our family and friends. We are very lucky to have this opportunity to start over in such a great city. I know Oliver will be changed forever, and I am excited for him as well.

May Message from the President

For 34 years of my life, the month of May was all about how to celebrate my birthday. I was born on May 10th, which often falls either on, just before, or after Mother's Day. Every year my mom reminds me about the hours of labor she went through, and I stress out over what gift to buy her to show my gratitude. Then Oliver came along, and we started to combine my birthday, Mother's Day, and grandma appreciation into one big celebration. I enjoy party planning, so my focus has always been on the decoration and what food to serve. In recent years though, I needed to understand what I am really celebrating. At 36, I'm still putting the pieces together that make up who I am as a person, a wife, a mother, and a daughter.

Part 1

I have heard of a show called ―Expressing Motherhood,‖ a play about real moms sharing real stories about motherhood. Last week I got an email about it because a mom I know is in the show. So I clicked on the link and saw a preview of it. While watching it my heart started pounding. You see, a long, long time ago, I had an interest in performing. I wrote my own stories, directed my classmates, and loved acting. I thought for sure that I would become a performer especially since my mom was a professional singer. Then I moved to the US. Without knowing the language, and no parents to support my interest; I not only stopped performing, I hid the fact that I enjoyed it. Since then I have only watched others perform with both excitement and envy...kind of the same heart-pounding feeling I got when I saw the preview of that show.

Part 2

A few weeks ago when the weather started to get warmer, I decided it was time to do some reorganizing of our backyard. I was motivated: my husband was away on business for the week, and would come home to a newly decorated space. On a sunny morning, I slapped on some sunscreen and went to work. I used all of my strength to move the furniture, scrubbed them down and bought some new cushions, planted new flowers hoping they'd survive. For Oliver, I made a sand and water table using storage container with lid, placed on a low table, filled it up with play sand, and water. When everything was done, Oliver and I spent the next few days playing outside, reading on the chaise, and had breakfast, lunch, and dinner outdoors. I was almost in tears when Oliver said "I love this house!" and I couldn't wait to show it to my husband.

Part 3

While Oliver was on spring break, we met Grandma in Irvine to check out Pretend City Children's Museum. It's a giant indoor playground with little police station, grocery store, construction site, doctor's office, and even a beach and a farm. The GPS says it would take an hour to get there. We left home around naptime so Oliver would wake up feeling energized for some serious playing. However, this resulted in being stuck in traffic for the drive home. Just 10 minutes into the drive I hear, "I want to get out now!" I tried to keep my cool for the next hour, doing whatever I could to keep Oliver entertained. By 5pm I was stressed out and exhausted. We continued on until I couldn't take his protest anymore. I broke down in tears and told Oliver I was trying my best to get us home as soon as possible. To my surprise he was very sweet and said, "It's ok mommy, it's ok."

Part 4

I love my mother, but I am also in therapy because of my upbringing. She can be quite unpredictable. Sometimes when I unknowingly upset her, she'd sit with it for a few days then explodes on me. Needless to say I get very nervous when she calls or visits. When my father suddenly passed away 9 months ago, chauffeuring mom and running her errands became my responsibility. Maybe during the process of letting go, she has also let go of some of the expectations she had from me. I too had to set aside my own issues with her and only concentrate on her wellbeing. Luckily she found strength and a new focus. My mother became very active in volunteering and even started to drive herself and made some new friends. She's now on vacation visiting her family in Asia for 3 months, which means I too am getting a little vacation from her.

Conclusion:

If I didn't look carefully, I would have missed all the clues in my everyday life. The things that make my heart pound with excitement, that makes me use all of my energy to create, to hit a breaking point, and to recognize my fears, these are the things that make me who I am. Which seems funny, because before becoming a mother, I would have said to you I am a graphic designer. And this realization has opened me up to all the possibilities of who I can continue to grow into. While along the way collecting all the pieces that make up "me".

April Message from the President

How many times have we changed our minds about what we wanted? Or gotten annoyed when someone asked us to do something that we weren't ready to do? For grown ups, we have many options and the ability to adapt to new situations. For our children, this is a much different experience, not knowing what to expect, or how to handle the unknown. It's no wonder that they kick and scream to let us know how much they don't like it.

I am sure I did my share of saying no when I was a toddler, but at some point in my childhood I learned to just be agreeable. I learned to have a lot of self control and suppress my own needs to keep my parents from worrying or getting upset. My inner child would have the temper tantrums, but my adult self would convince her to let it go. To this day, I am not good at saying no. As a result, I often create unnecessary stress for myself. So, in some ways, I am actually jealous of Oliver having no fear of speaking his mind and expressing his needs.

The tough part is setting the boundaries. With every no from him, I need to decide if this is a battle worth fighting for. When he says no to going to bed, is it because he is scared of the dark? Or does he simply want to play more? When he throws his food on the floor, is he just testing to see how mad I would get? Or is he just not hungry? Because whatever the reason is, I'd like to know. I need to know because long ago I decided that I want to raise a child who can think for himself. I don't need him to obey every rule just to please me because that can backfire someday when he no longer needs my approval. I need to know because I want us to have an open communication, so he can talk freely and trust that he will be heard.

My very first taste of the terrible twos was when Oliver was 18 months old. I was not prepared to handle this change in my sweet little boy. He could go from being very content, to a total melt down in just seconds. I felt helpless next to my boy who is crying hysterically and kicking his feet while lying on the floor. My attempts to control the situation only made things worse. My stress level was high, and it felt like it was never going to end.

That night I was on Amazon.com ordering The Happiest Toddler on the Block with next day shipping. The DVD had confirmed what I learned from other books about respecting another person, no matter what age they are. Everything made sense in theory, but it's very hard to put it into action when you are feeling flustered and scared yourself. Too often we are focused on our own agendas and we can't see or hear someone else's point. It took a lot of practice, but when I finally put myself aside and let Oliver know that I heard him loud and clear, we came to a new understanding. Even if I knew he wasn't going to get what he wanted, it was more important that I got his message. Then it's all about showing empathy and to let him down easily. Often I just have to sit and rub his back while he cries until he is ready to move on.

Now Oliver is close to being 3 years old. I must say we have a pretty good understanding of one another. He knows when I mean business, and he knows it's a give and take relationship. I use every opportunity I have to let him know what the boundaries are before something happens. I give him advance notices and include him in the decision making for the next activity. Although once in a while he still has a tantrum, often I'm the cause of it for over scheduling his day.

There are certain situations that come up on a regular basis that still make me nervous, especially if we have to be some place by a certain time, or if I know he can't have my full attention. I'm usually nervous before our monthly All- Member meetings. And I've used everything from keeping him busy with his favorite snacks to handing over my phone so he can look at pictures or play games. What ended up working the best is prepping Oliver that we'll be going to the meeting first, then to the park. I ask him to be my little helper to set up the toys and clean up. Then I make sure that we have some quality time together after the meeting. And I always tell him how much I appreciate his patience and assistance. Since being open and honest about what I need from him, he's impressed me so much with how well behaved he can be even when he really would rather be at the park.

March Message from the President

"Madagascar!" "Yugoslavia!" Only Oprah can make you feel empowered on one show, then completely inadequate on another. I'm referring to an episode showcasing a two-year- old who knows more geography than most of the population.

In the past decade, many new products, books, and classes have come out on the topic of brain development and ways to get our children ahead of the game. The moment I found out I was pregnant, I was already behind in what I can do for my child. I gave up on my favorite foods and took my prenatal vitamins religiously. My first step in parenting was, embarrassingly, the purchase of this fanny pack sound machine thing that was supposed to help the baby to self sooth. I don't even think I knew what self-sooth meant, but I just needed to do something other than watch my stomach get bigger.

When Oliver was 9 weeks old, I was still struggling with the idea of putting my career on hold. I was feeling isolated but scared to go out with my baby. And honestly, more scared to step into my new life as a mom and doing "mom stuff". I couldn't picture myself doing things like pushing the stroller through the mall on a weekday morning, or having play dates or baby classes. Somehow that felt more intimidating to me than going to work at a new job in an office.

For the future of my child, I finally ventured out (4 miles to be exact) in pursuit of higher education for him. I had learned about the Outside the Box classes from my doula Octavia who started the company. The classes focus on sensory stimulation which helps with brain development. I arrived to class in a room with 10 other moms and their babies, some moms nursing, some changing diapers. This was unfamiliar territory, but everyone was very nice and wanted to know more about Oliver. I followed along during circle time the best I could, and watched Oliver intently to see how he was handling this new environment. Then the instructor, aka the facilitator, took out a great big drum for the babies to sit on while she played it. The vibration and sound was definitely a new experience for us. And to my surprise, all the babies loved it. Then she gave all of us large colorful feathers to wave over our babies. I think Oliver and I both had a moment where we thought "Hey! This is different, and I like it!" I saw that spark in his eyes that every mother hopes to see again and again. So for the next 6 months, we went to class every week.

The one thing that stuck out to me most in the class was how the babies responded to new stimulations over time. Those who have been going to class regularly gradually had higher tolerance for new stimulations. They all seem to be more happy and curious when something different is revealed to them. The new babies attending the class, in comparison, would either falls asleep, or cry, or needs to be nursed when the same stimulation is presented to them. And it was consistent even if the child coming in was older.

So as Oliver becomes more comfortable with new sensory experiences, I also became more at ease with being a mom. I did take him to the mall in the middle of the day, and nursed him wearing my blue polka-dotted nursing cover. Oliver has been in many music and gym classes, and countless play dates. I've definitely gotten over the fear and trouble of leaving the house, and the need to hold on to my career. So I guess we both have gone "outside the box".

February Message from the President

In some ways, we all have our partners to thank for us becoming members of this club. The father of our children, who did their part in order for us to experience the most intense and amazing love when we became mothers.

About 14 years ago, I met my husband in college. We soon became friends and found out that we had much more than design in common. We both have had "chaotic" relationships in the past, so it was quite refreshing to be with someone with such ease. The second week we were together we both felt that we could get married the next day, and we'd always be that comfortable around one another. With that thought in mind, and a common drive to succeed in the design field, we felt like a winning team. And talk about synchronicity, even combining our initials made the acronym of our school. In my mind, we were meant to be.

Everyone saw my happiness except for my parents...mainly because they didn't know about this love of my life. It was too risky considering they gave me an ultimatum to not pay for my college and I'd be disowned if I stayed with my ex- boyfriend. I think that would make anyone think twice before bringing someone home until you are sure you can handle the consequences. Everyone else in my life knew about this including my now in-laws. Their understanding and respect confirmed my believe that this is the family I want to be a part of. However, this enabled me to live a double life for over four years.

During that time I traveled all over Europe with my boyfriend, looked for jobs together in New York. After graduating from college we moved in together. I was happy living my dream, and very much in denial that I could keep living that way. Through it all, my boyfriend waited patiently and trusted how I was handling the situation with my parents. And I guess whatever "plan" I had worked out, Chris and I got married in 2002 with my parents' blessings.

In the years that followed, we bought our first home, and all seemed to be going well. However, while working hard to build our own careers, we seemed to have forgotten about working on our relationship as well. We went through times when we felt like roommates, we had little to talk about. I don't even think we knew what went wrong to know how to fix it. We were at a limbo. And I was at the age when even my doctor was telling me not to wait too long to have a baby.

I've always just assumed that someday I'll become a mom, but when the time came I was terrified. I felt like I would be losing my career, my whole definition of who I am, and knowing our marriage needed work didn't help either. And maybe in some strange way the universe had a plan for us. We got pregnant right away, but after 10 weeks we lost the baby. It was one of the most devastating events that has ever happened to us, and one that would bring two people who forgot how to love one another together as a team again.

We were as happy as any new parents can be when our baby boy arrived. However, sleep deprivation and stress added a new pressure to a somewhat fragile relationship. Becoming a stay at home mom also took a toll on my emotional health. I felt lost and lonely. And I took being a full-time mom to the extreme and forgot to how to be a wife, or even just be myself.

We have heard that in order to love someone else, you must first learn to love yourself. I can see now how 14 years ago when my priority was to be independent and building a career, that was me loving myself. That in return made me lovable to someone else. And as much as I give my son all of my time and affection, it is time for my focus has shifted back to myself, my relationship with my husband, and having a healthy loving family life. I need to honor who I am. And each day I am kinder and more loving to myself.