Growing Up

It's been 5 months and 3 weeks since Oliver was born. I've learned so much as a new mom. I still remember the first time going to the mall with him, how terrified I was when he cried. I froze, I even had a little tear. I didn't know how to behave with the baby in a place I was so familiar with before he came along. Now I feel like a stranger in a strange place. I wonder if that's how he felt when he was born.

I have since learned to ignore those fears and have even fed him at the table in a restaurant. I can run errands with him, even go to parties with him.I have lost all of the baby weight and can fit in my pre-pregnancy jeans. And I've gained so much more confidence in myself as a mother. It took a while, but thanks to Oliver being such a great baby, he's made my job a lot easier once I recovered from the C-section and the crazy postpartum hormones.

The only thing I really struggled with was about my return to work. I had always saw myself as a working mom. The funny thing is, I didn't even know what that meant. I understood the "working" part very well. I just didn't know the "mom" half was not just a title. It actually comes with a lot of emotions, attachments, and responsibilities. Even though I knew I love spending time with Oliver, taking care of him, teaching him, and playing with him, I just didn't think about the details of what is involved in going back to work and what that lifestyle would be. I thought that I needed the job I loved to feel complete and confident. The logic was, if mommy is happy with herself, then the baby will benefit from it too. I also didn't want my years of education and work experience to end because my priorities changed. And that was it, my priorities have changed.

Maybe it wasn't so much of a struggle with the situation itself. It was more of my stubborn mind of a plan I had that is changing and evolving without me recognizing it. The plan was more of a fantasy because it was made before the baby was born. I am naive to think everything can operate the same way as it was. A part of me suspected that I'd change my mind about going back, but I couldn't bring myself to accepting it. I didn't make a list of pros and cons until the week before I made my decision. I think I was afraid to see it in writing, because then there's no denying what the right decision would be.

I've been with Disney a total of about 10 years. I started out as an intern who barely knew how to use photoshop. I worked for 3 months and fell in love with the energy of the group. My boss John was almost like a father figure, he has such high energy and enthusiasm it's hard to find another boss like him. In fact, I couldn't find anyone like him after I got out of school that I eventually went back to work for him. Although most people don't know how to handle his over the top, charismatic personality, I seem to know exactly how to get along with him. Over the years he has given me so many opportunities to grow, and continue to share his life experience to better mine. I knew I had the perfect job for me, and I never imagined not working for John.

Around the same time I interned, John hired Steve. Steve was like the big brother who is there to help you when you need it, and joke around whenever he gets a chance to make a bad pun. I was so intimidated by him when we first started working together, but as time went by and my confidence grew, he has become one of the closest friend I have. I've always thought of him as Super Man. He seems to know everything from design, marketing, copywriting, music, sports, building houses, to being a great "young" father of 4, and loving husband for over 16 years. Steve is a very hard worker, and it made the three of us what John calls the "dream team". I agree. It was the dynamics of us that made us push to do great work, in a company that doesn't always support great design.

Tony, who was unfortunately let go during a cut back was like a grumpy uncle. He didn't look his age though, years of taking care of his body made him a stand-in for a Tom Cruise movie poster. He's a talented photographer trapped in the body of a tired marketing producer. Being confined in the office was just not for him. We all saw the sparks in the eyes of "bandana Tony" when he shoots for us. And then there's the conspiracy theory Tony, watch out if he ever gets into a political conversation at lunch.

Michelle was like a big sister to me. She's like Sara Jessica Parker of the group. The beautiful, fashionable, strong, independent woman, who held out for the perfect guy for her. She found him after years at Disney working 2 floors below our offices. Whenever there's too much testosterone in the air, Michelle is the one I turn to to keep things balanced.

I've also enjoyed all of John's assistants who came through the office and went on to bigger and better things. Gretchen was there when I interned, she had these great thick rimmed glasses and a funny sense of humor. Diana was there when I first returned to Disney to freelance. She's not only been a great friend who I almost started a cookie business with called "Crumbs", she was one of my bridesmaids at my wedding. We still keep in touch and share small business stories, and she owns a chocolate business called O'Cocoa that's doing really well. Steven came next. He started out as Steve's temp assistant, then John swooped him away. Steven is sharp, quick witted, and had high hopes and dreams to land a job where he can show up at 11 in shorts, critique some ideas and brainstorm, and get paid lot of money. He moved up quickly and landed a job working in the video games department.

Then there's Ann, "Spaulding" came in and just took over. She was hired to assist John, but during the cut back, she took over the responsibility to manage our print production. It's funny that she came from a company where my old RubyLove partner's boyfriend Eric worked as an editor. So before Ann started, I have heard from Eric about this poor mistreated girl leaving his company! Small world. Ann has been like a little sister to me. From looking at her you wouldn't know she's been a world traveler and have bungie jumped many times. Maybe because we have the same name, but I felt the need to look after her. Not that she needed it, but the stress can get to you sometimes. We've became really good friends, and she's visited me and Oliver several times during my maternity leave. She's someone with such a good heart and giving nature, I know I'll be keeping in touch with her for a long time.

All of these people are close to my heart. They've been through the most important part of my growth, and supported me the whole way. It is so hard to move on, but they've also taught me well to know my priorities. John actually said it would be weird if I had decided to go back to work, that it wouldn't be "me". And thanked me for the years I've given them. How lucky am I to have had the chance to work with such a wonderful group.

So when it came time for me to make my decision, I knew I would have the understanding of everyone at work. I knew that work is something I can go back to, and not being there for Oliver would be a life time regret I can never get back. I didn't realize that the six months I spent at home has transformed me into a mom. I didn't know that until Oliver started to reach out to me and smiles when I enter the room. I was surprised that I am making decisions to do what's best for our family and not just myself. I started to feel excited about not knowing what comes next. The tension started to melt away as I got closer to accepting what I felt deep inside. And the last thing I need to seal the deal was to make sure Chris is good with the decision to be the sole breadwinner. Then the answer floated to the top, it was clear that I ready to be a stay at home mom.

I was still nervous and emotional driving to the office. No one knew my reason for visiting. And as I suspected, it only took me saying "I need to talk to you" to John for him to respond "You're not coming back." After that John did most of the talking. He was so complimentary of what I've done for our group, and so proud of the decision I've made. We were both emotional, but kept it positive.

So John says, I've matured. I've made the right decision.

I totally agree.

The days leading up to going in the office I started to write letters to all of my co-workers/friends/second family. It took a long time to write, and I enjoyed remembering all the good times we've had. I was actually really proud of each letter I've written. I had a format to focus on what I love most about them, what I'll miss, and what I look forward to. They've all since thanked me for the letters or have made reference to something I have mentioned. I'm so glad I took the time to do that. I really wanted to let them know how much they mean to me.

What I love most about my job was it didn't feel like work, I'll miss the people the most, but I'm so looking forward to seeing how our friendships develop and spending time watching Oliver grow up.

Baby Milestone - Five Months

In the past month, little Oliver has made some great big steps. It took little time for him to skip the night time feedings. When he does cry, a little back rub usually puts him right back to sleep. He consistently sleeps 10 hour at night, followed by a feeding, a quick read of Dr. Seuss, then back to sleep for another hour and a half. The day time naps are still irregular, but a lot more manageable than a few weeks ago. I've gotten into the routine of closing the curtains, turn on some soft music, then hold him close and walk around the room and whisper to him "it's time for nap." He often yawns shortly after that, like I gave him the signal to get ready for sleep.

During the beginning of month 4, Oliver started to sit on his own without support. He can balance for a few minutes at a time. And catches himself falling by putting his arms in front, or try to use them for balance. Now he can sit for 20-30 minutes at a time. The rolling over to his tummy is no longer an issue, and he seems to have lost interest in how effortless it is for him. And now he is showing interest in crawling. He just hasn't quite figured it out yet.

Oliver has also been more vocal about his needs. He often talks while being changed, and I sometimes hear similar sounds and rhythm when he is playing. I then check to see if he needs a diaper change, which he often does. Other types of sounds are making more sense too. If he is whiny in the crib, no need to rush in to pick him up. If he is crying, most of the time it's because he is hungry, or got himself trapped in a corner of the crib and needs to be repositioned. His face is also very expressive, always ready to show you what he needs. The rubbing of the eyes with a sleepy look is one I look for before nap time. And his smiles are of course my favorite! He also has a great open mouth laugh, sometimes without the actual sound of laughing. His favorite number is "2", favorite word is "Scooby-Doo", and favorite phrase is "Tip me over and pour me out!"

Oliver has been going to his play group and showing more interest in participating in everything. This past week he was even being chatty with the other babies. He did the same at another baby's 1st birthday party. He is not shy around babies or grown ups. He also showed great interest in finger painting. He was the only baby who tried it the first time and didn't cry. I was very proud, and can't wait to paint more with him.

Bath time is also getting more interesting because he likes to try to grab the water. Once in a while he'll even slap the water to make a splash. He was happy getting his gum rubbed for just a few days, but now he just keeps his mouth shut tight. I think maybe it has to do with the baby toothbrush I tried to use on him.

I hope the next entry will have news about a tooth or crawling!

Baby Milestones -Four Months

Since my last entry was so long, I'll keep this short.

Oliver now weighs 16.25 lbs, and measures at 26.5 inches tall. He is losing some of his baby hair, so it's kind of funny looking, we're thinking about giving him a haircut.

He got his second set of vaccines this week. He was very well behaved at the doctor's office. And after getting shots and one oral medication, which he didn't like the taste but took it anyway, he only cried a few seconds and quiet down to drink his milk. The nurse commented on how well behaved he was.

He has mastered rolling over from back to stomach. He's so fast that when I try to video tape him, by the time I am ready to shoot, he has already turned over. And now while on his stomach, he pushes his chest up and feet up, it looks like he is sky diving!

His favorite thing to do now is laying on his back and grabbing his toes. On many occasions he likes to talk while he is doing that. I think it's very relaxing for him. When he talks, he makes a lot of different sounds. It always feels like he is talking in sentences telling us about his day.

Oliver can also support himself while sitting up. He can hold that for a few seconds before he falls over, but he knows to put his arms out for support. It seems like any day now he'll be able to sit up on his own.

And the most amazing skill he has is that he can hold his own bottle! even adjust his hand for more support. He started doing that maybe at 2 months, but we usual use a glass bottle so it's too heavy for him to hold. Then one day, we had a plastic bottle, he had no problem feeding himself!

Oliver is also sleeping really well. He started to sleep longer on his own, then we would go comfort him if he wakes up but not feed him in the middle of the night. It didn't take long before he started to sleep 10, 11 hours straight. And this week we are focusing on taking naps. It's a little harder since it's so bright and his room is full of fun colors. I got some books and talked to our pediatrician, and just by paying close attention of signs of sleepiness, I've had 2 days of successful nap time with very few tears (from both of us).

It seems that with every new skill, routine, it takes less than a week for Oliver to learn. He sure makes us feel proud!

New adjustments

There's been so many changes in the last month, with Oliver, and with myself.

My strength is and energy level are at their highest since the birth. I now can walk Oliver in his stroller for longer distance, which means I can run more errands along the way. Oliver has been sleeping longer at night. Some times as long as 11 hours. I think it's a shock to my body because I actually feel more tired when I get that much sleep.

On the large scale change. Barack Obama is our new President in the coming year. On Election night, the power on our street went out just after CNN announced Ohio goes to Obama. The focus of the evening switched quickly from the election to "how are we going to put Oliver to bed?" Our water heater needs power so no bath time, the bottle warmer needs power also. We improvised with a quick wipe down, then breast fed. Oliver was probably happy about that. Then the focus turned to all the frozen milk we've been storing. It would be awful if they had to go to waste. Luckily we had a cooler large enough to hold everything, and the power came back on about 2 hours later-after Chris and I heard them declare Senator Obama as the President Elect through a small am/fm radio while laying in bed in the dark.

That same night, Oliver got his first cold. It could have been the social weekend he had at the beach, which it rained just a few minutes after we got there. It could have been the next day playing with other babies in his class. It could have been not dressing him warm enough when we left the front door open for a little bit of breeze. However he got the cold, it was his positive spirit that kept us from worrying too much. Other than the congestion, and frustration when we try to suction his nose, he was still his happy self.

Around the same time, we decided to try out some sleep training to wean him from the night feedings. Maybe the cold made him more sleepy at night, but it didn't take many days before he got used to not eating in the middle of the night. Chris became the designated soother since he can't offer him any milk, I had read that babies can smell it from 20 feet away! Sounds exaggerated, but it did seem like he'll relax quicker when Chris went to comfort him.

What's been heavy on my mind has been when I need to return to work. I remember days in the past months when I thought "of course I'm going back"...but as time went on, that seem less attractive. It is especially hard figuring out the schedule and who will take care of him. I cry almost every time. Chris and I couldn't even really talk about it. It made us sad to be away from him, and unsure about the care set up we had between my parents and our housekeeper. Then once we started discussing the possibility of taking him to a daycare, or hire a nanny. For some reason that felt more right to us. We were concerned that in case of an emergency, my parents and the housekeeper might have trouble with transportation or language barriers. The thought of having someone who does this for a living felt like a safer option. And the fact that we can keep Oliver at home instead of transporting him back and forth, and wasting most of our free time in the car instead of time for bonding.

It seems like everything with Oliver comes just when we need it, when we are ready for it. It felt that way with the doula, our doctor, his pediatrician, and now with the nanny, it happens effortlessly. Just when I felt despair from not able to find a daycare without a 2 year waiting list, we got a referral from a friend of a nanny. She has been with a family for 6 years and now the kids are going to school, they don't need her help as much. Michelle, a 30 something year old fashion student, came highly recommended. Everything including her hours seems to match what we need since we still would like my parents to spend time with Oliver, and she needs time for her school. After a phone and in person interview, both Chris and I felt good about hiring one of the most calm person I've ever seen. From her references, it seems that I will be able to learn from her about parenting. And this is from someone without her own children, but has 13 years of taking care of other people's pride and joy. I cried, of course, while interviewing her. We talked about the connection between the baby and the caretaker, I wish I could be home for those special first times. There's just a part in me that says, work 2 more years, save the money, have another baby, then you can stay home with them. Especially with the failing economy, this seems like the right thing to do. It doesn't make it any easier though.

I was already a very emotionally sensitive person. I cried easily and worry too much. Since Oliver has been in our lives, I have cried over how adorable he looks when he is sleeping, then cried when he is not sleeping and crying. I have heard of the guilt that comes along with being a mother, but it's crazy how a little cry makes you question your every action. And whenever I can, I am online, flipping through books, emailing friends, trying to find an answer. It's amazing how all your brain and your heart wants to do is make him happy. You worry, lose sleep, cry, get frustrated, work your hardest just to see him smile.

As with any baby related issues, there's always two extremely opposing opinions on how to take care of a baby. Even from the pregnancy, natural or c-section, medicated or not, breast or bottle, cry or pick up. You instinct and hormones tell you one thing, then the logical side of the brain tells you another. Finding the balance between the two is difficult but necessary, both for the baby, and your own sanity. I feel very lucky that Oliver seems to have a very easy temperament. He communicates well and never fusses for no reason. I'm learning to pay attention to what he is telling me, so I can give him what he needs.

The latest adjustment is taking naps during the day. And obviously he is doing it, otherwise I wouldn't be able to update my blog! What a good boy he is. I'm so proud!

Baby Milestones -Three Months

I can't believe 3 months already past. I'm guessing he is about 14 lbs now. And now that he doesn't always make a tight fist, you can see how big his hands are- Hands that now can aim and grab things, hands that he shoves in his mouth and sucks on, hands that holds on to the bottle when being fed (and sometimes push the bottle away when he is full).

In the last 2 weeks his ability to control his arms is so much better. The same spinning toy that used to startle him, he now can spin them on his own. The jungle bouncer with motion sensor to turn on the music has become a new challenge for him to keep the music playing.

Just in the last few days he showed signs of wanting to roll over. He can turn about 3/4 of the way over, but just can't roll the last part of the shoulder over yet. I imagine he will be able to very soon. He seems very motivated to get moving. I joke around that he's been planning his escape, since he likes to look at the front door and smile.

We've also moved him out of the co-sleeper and into his own crib at night. The first night we did that I was a mess. I was so emotional thinking about how fast he's growing, and I had such separation anxiety. Even when he is only about 10 feet away, I was missing him. Last night he slept almost 7 hours straight!

Oliver also loves to talk. Every morning he talks to his mobil "animal friends". When Chris got the mobile it was the last one they had on the shelf, we never thought it would become one of Oliver's favorite things. As part of his morning routine, he is fed, changed into his first outfit of the day (as he drool and spit up on them throughout the day). Then off to say hi to animal friends, while mom and dad get some breakfast and get ready for our day. Then there's some tummy time. Oliver continues to hold his neck up and look around 180 degrees. He seems to be very curious about the world around him and don't want to miss out on anything. This also has been slightly problematic for me, because he doesn't nap as much as he used to. It would take 20-30 minutes to get him to relax and fall asleep. Often he only sleeps for 30 minutes or less.

Oliver has also been going to a play group called Outside the Box. It is a group started by our doula, it's all based on activities to help with brain development. It was nice for me to get out of the house too and socialize with other moms. He was really into the class for the first 2 times, but lately he seemed more distracted. So I'm not sure if we'll keep going. In the last class he just wanted to practice rolling over.

Slowly his personality is showing. I sense he has very strong determination since he doesn't seem to want to give up on trying. He also continues to smile and laugh, which is the best part of our days. Chris has made a reservation at the Getty for next weekend. We are going to start taking Oliver to places so he can check out the world around him. I can't wait to take him to the aquarium, I think he'll love that.

Happy medium

The last few days has been a little harder. I think I am not getting enough sleep because we're trying out a new routine with Oliver. I get that extra sensitive hearing at night when he's sleeping, that I jump at every little sound. On days when I'm tired, the days seem extra long. Also, Oliver is getting heavier, about 14 lbs. now, so I'm having trouble carrying him also.

On days when I can't get him to take a nap because he's just so excited to discover the world around him, I wish he was older so I don't have to carry him all the time. On nights when I wake up 2, 3 times to feed him, I wish he was older so he can sleep longer through the night. The thing is, this is the only time he's so depended on me 24/7. I love the way he gently falls asleep in my arms. I love that I can provide him the comfort and nutrients by breast feeding. I even love the saddest little face he makes when he cries. So in my mind, I'm looking for that happy medium where I can handle taking care of him without wearing myself out mentally and physically.

And then, it's like he knows. Today he fell asleep on his own after I set him down! No rocking or shooshing! At the same time, I miss holding him close while he drifts off into dreamland. Oh wait...did I just hear him cry?

Baby Milestones -Two Months

How fast they grow up...I didn't believe it until now that babies really do grow fast. Ollie now weighs 13.5 lbs, and measures 24 inches tall. He's got the most chubby baby legs, they now fit into the size 2 diapers.

The past months he continues to surprise me each day with tiny little improvements in his ability to lift his head up, look around, and moving in a swimming motion when he is on his tummy. He is able to see better now, so he's constantly looking around his surroundings with a fascinating look on his face.

The most exciting part of the day for me is when he wakes up in the morning. After his first feeding, he gets a little tummy time by sleeping either on Chris's chest or my tummy. Then, it's off to his room where he lies in crib and talks to his "animal friends", a mobil Chris picked up for him. Oliver gets so happy and talks to his favorite "yellow bird" and moves his arms and legs like he wants to run after them. It's so sweet to see him with a big smile.

At his 2 months pediatrician appointment, Oliver showed off his ability to hold his head up high to Dr. Cohen. He also was showing great horizontal tracking with his eyes. That day, he got his first set of vaccination shots. We went to the doctor's office prepared with a bottle of milk and his favorite toy. The nurse was very quick with the shots. Oliver cried a little when the shots went in, but was able to start drinking the milk and forget about the pain. Luckily he didn't have much reaction to the shots and wasn't too fussy. We were so proud of how well he did.

Ollie has also been drooling a lot more lately, maybe signs of pre-teething. He also discovered new sounds he can make, which is more higher pitch than before. The first time I heard it I thought he was hurt, but then realize, he was laughing.

Each day I take snap shots of him with my iphone and email them to Chris with the subject line called: Now. He's posted them on our baby blog Check it out! Oliver has to be the most photographed baby!

More to come...