Has it really been that long?

Has it really been almost 6 months since my last entry? Time flies. In one week it will be our one year anniversary for moving to New York. And talk about time flies...a few weeks ago Chris and I celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary!

Well, it's been good these last few months. Oliver started school after a big decision to pull him out of Brooklyn Friends and go to Plymouth Church School. We are so happy with our decision and Oliver really loves his new school too. Oliver turned 4, and mom and Carol came to visit for 2 weeks. Len and Elaine went to South Africa so they let mom and Carol stay at their place. It was a nice drama-free visit, and I was both relieved and sad to see them go.

Before school started, early September we took a trip to Montauk for a few days. The weather wasn't great but the 3 of us got to spend some quality time together in the pool and ate good seafood and sushi.  When we returned I had a really bad cold and even got pink eye.

October I went back to teaching Mandarin at Imagine, Oliver's old preschool in Brooklyn Heights. It was nice to start making a little bit of steady income again. After trying out being a children's photographer, arts and crafts teacher. I started and stopped 2 business ideas (1. Open a place for kids doing arts and crafts using only recyclable material. 2. Becoming a professional organizer), and finally settled on becoming a certified parenting educator.

I found a place that I can do my studies from home to get certified, and came up with a proposal to redesign that company's website. I ended up talking to the cofounder of Breakthrough Parenting and they took my proposal. I haven't done any design work for them yet, but that should be happening in the next few months.

The funny thing is as soon as I decided what I wanted to do, the calls came in to do some freelance design work. The universe just works that way.

I've also been trying to take better care of myself. I started going for morning walks with Elaine. Maybe it's stress or the extra walking, but my alignment is totally off and the last few days I've been experiencing a pinched nerve numbing my right arm. And just when I scheduled an appointment to take care of that. Hurricane Sandy hit on October 29th. Where we live was ok, but all the subway systems got flooded so no one can get in or out of the city. We are very lucky that we didn't lose our power and had no damages.

In the last few months I've also been focused on getting our finances in order. I scheduled appointments to get our financial/retirement planning worked out. And I also looked into what to do with our house in LA. My whole view on whether to own or rent has changed a bit since we moved to New York. The prices are just too high to own and after having owned a house in LA it feels like it's a lot of added stress to maintain it. Where we live now we are getting to enjoy so many wonderful benefits of a good lifestyle. We love Len and Elaine and they treat us so well. Plus Oliver can go to a public school and we'll be able to save that money for his college. I can see many benefits of staying here and renting and manage our money well.

So many changes, but all good.

Until next time...

misc...

It's been about 6 months since we moved to New York. It's been really interesting how the move has already done some good for me internally. A year before this move I had gone to see a therapist who helped me understand some of the challenges I've experienced with my upbringing. Nothing out of the ordinary, probably most people from my generation have parents who did their best to raise us, but unintentionally hurt us in the process. No need to get into it now, but the important thing is I now can recognize why I react to certain situations in such a dramatic way. And becoming a mom has made all of that more apparent and gave me more urgency to heal any old wounds. 

After losing my father almost 2 years ago. I found myself in a different role in the family. I have been taking care of my parents, but when dad died I really had to step up. And when the time came to move away, I felt guilty for leaving my mom alone in California. However, because everything does happen for a reason, the timing of everything felt like dad was giving us a chance to start healing. Mom became active with a group of Buddhist volunteers that occupied her time. She developed new friendships. She found a new independence. Me on the other side of the country found a new freedom to be myself. I made new friends and made sure they were the type of people I need to build a support system. I am learning to say no to things I didn't have the courage to turn down. I'm allowing myself to rest and enjoy taking better care of myself. 

I am learning to just be. I even took a nap today before teaching instead of cleaning up. My body clearly needed it and I think because of it I was in a clearer mental state for the rest of the day. I think Oliver felt it too and for the first time in weeks, he didn't ask me to stay in his room at bedtime.

The next few months will be interesting when Oliver starts going to school everyday from 9-3. I know I'll miss him so much. He's so grown up now and beautiful as ever. What a sweet boy. Even though lately we've had a few dramatic moments, I am determined to keep our connection so we can both pass this test of each other's patience. 

I'm tired now. I should get some rest. 

Ann, the teacher

I just stumbled into this one, Ann, the Chinese teacher. 4 Months ago I thought I'd move to New York and either become a children's photographer (have done 1 successful shoot) or continue with graphic design. And maybe subconsciously I didn't try as hard with the design work, but nothing really came out of my few attempts to get work. What started out as just another idea now has become my new career. I approached Oliver's preschool about working as a substitute teacher thinking it would help Oliver knowing I work there. The conversation led to me teaching their 2s and 3s classes Chinese. So began the process of me cutting up felt to make little animals and types of food, hand puppets and cardboard cut outs.

Simultaneously the Chinese mom friend I made here on our 4th day in Brooklyn wanted to start a Chinese school. I was excited about it at first, but realized that I was going to be putting in a lot more time and effort into the curriculum plus teaching. It didn't feel right knowing I didn't want to have a business partner who I barely know and I didn't want to commit to anything long term. She did introduce me to another woman who also wanted to start a school. So they had me teach a trial class at one of their playgroups last week. I did a lot of preparation for the class but didn't know what to expect. It was 4 kids under 2, they can understand a little bit of Chinese but most couldn't say much. The biggest challenge was trying to keep them focused in a room packed with toys. I think I did well and had a unique take on breaking down the song lyrics to teach them the vocabulary. It was a 45 minute class and I was sweating after finishing the first out of 5 songs I prepared for in the first 5 minutes. At one point I was just making things up, but it worked out. I would interact with each child using a stuffed animal and that really got their attention. And next week I'll be meeting with the 2 ladies to talk about what my plans are for teaching.

I really didn't expect to be going down this road. I do think I am good with the kids and I am hoping to do more smaller scale tutoring. Maybe once I have some more experience and see what works then I can continue with that. I also have other ideas to turn my curriculum into a digital text book or application to sell on iTunes. I think there are a lot of opportunities and skills that I have that can take teaching Chinese to another level.

I also had another idea for a children's book...I think I better go over my list and narrow it down.

In 2 weeks I start teaching at the preschool and maybe this other class. It will be good to have a paid job. : )

Oliver at 3.5 years old

"I did it by myself!" is a phrase often heard around the house these days. Oliver continues to amaze me everyday with how much he has learned. In the last few months since we moved to Brooklyn, Oliver has found a new independence riding his scooter around town. He's gotten very adventurous with his moves. Often balancing on one foot and zig zags around the pedestrians. He continues to be respectful of the rules and will stop where I ask him to, and always wait at the inside corner of an intersection.

He now can change his own pants, put on his shoes, use a fork when he eats. He can also write his name. Today he wrote my name too! When we read now, if he comes across he doesn't know, he always asks what it means. His vocabulary has grown in both English and Chinese. He's even learned a tong twister in Mandarin about eating grapes. He also has a good sense in math. He can do simple addition when he wants 3 of something and he has 2, he will say "one more". He can also count in both languages up to 50.

After a tough month of getting adjusted to his school schedule, he finally has gotten comfortable with going. Can't say that he loves school yet, but he seems to be very proud of the drawings he's made from school. And he always sings new songs he learned. The teachers adore him and tells us that Oliver always offers to help the other children.

His favorite show has been Blues Clues which he watches in the mornings and afternoon. About 2 hours of tv a day. He's learned quite a bit from the show actually. And it's really cute when he laughs while he's watching. Recently he got a taste of Star Wars. He loves the Snow Speeders. And being very resourceful and imaginative, he used a 2 liter ginger ale bottle as a lightsaber.

A few months ago I wrote an article about how to feed a picky eater. Oliver had himself on a strict diet of mostly carbs and dairy and fruits. He did get a pretty balanced meal when I learned the best way to feed him was to separate all the food groups. Lately though he's started to become more open to other foods. He now enjoys pizza and today he had corn on the cob.

Every Monday Oliver goes to a sports class over at New York Kids Club just a short walk from the apartment. The first time he didn't want to go inside even though I wait there for him and he can see me the entire time. Then after a few classes, now he has no trouble going in, and really enjoys running around. As always he is great with following directions and the teachers love him.

On Monday mornings before sports class we have a regular playdate with a little girl named Charlotte. Her mom and baby brother Hudson comes over and play for about 2 hours. Oliver and Charlotte play very well together and he also enjoys having Hudson around. Oliver will always look for the soft toys for the baby and is very gentle around him. We recently visited the Brooklyn Children's Museum with them and had a great time.

Around Christmas was when I noticed a change in the types of things Oliver plays with. After a full year of daily Lego playing, he moved onto more pretend play. The couch with some boxes and my guitar stand has been turned into a police boat or fire truck. A step ladder has become his "high chair" for every meal and it's also been some type of air craft. He loves pretend play and often he plays the teacher, the coach, or the daddy. He loves to run laps in our apartment like we are race cars, build obstacle courses with the furniture, hide things around the house for us to find them. Catching and running away from monsters is also a favorite. When he did slow down to play with Lego, incredibly he can build a never before seen rescue vehicle. And he will never turn down a dance party. His favorite songs are "#2" and "E eats everything" by They Might Be Giants, "Witch Doctor", "Yellow Submarine", and "All Together Now".

On Wednesday afternoons we go to a Chinese playgroup so Oliver can be around other children and grown ups who speaks Chinese. It is because of this exposure that Oliver started to speak more Chinese on his own. He has great pronunciation and enjoys surprising me when he speaks it. And with my latest career path in teaching Mandarin, Oliver has been very supportive and helps me test out my material.

One thing I've been trying to do more is to have normal conversations with Oliver. We talk about what projects to work on. What we need to do to take care of the house. I share with him my childhood stories, which he enjoys and asks a lot of questions. We talk about our feelings, when we are sad or mad. It's really wonderful to feel a close connection to him and we share openly. That is something very important to me that I hope will continue no matter how old he gets.

Today we re-organized his room a little and I moved a small lamp next to his bed. He's able to turn the light on and off himself. So he suggested we try something new, that he turns the light off before I close the door. "Lights off!" I said, and he turned it off. And he went to sleep.

Although, this week he's testing the limit a bit. When I say no to something, he'll say "I'll do it myself!" Sometimes he succeeds, but he knows he shouldn't have. We're big on keeping our word so he understands that there are limits he needs to respect. He also understands how to make deals. I guess he is learning the art of negotiation.

So, he's still wonderful and loving and beautiful inside and out. Can't believe he'll be 4 in just a few months. He'll be excited to eat some Fruit Loops cereal because one time at the market he wanted them and I said "I'll get those for you on your birthday!" What a patient little boy.

Where do I start?

I've now been living in Brooklyn for 3 months. That unsettling feeling is starting to go away. I've learned how to dress for the weather, how to shop, and how to spend the 2 8-hour days while Oliver is in school. The first month was really hard. I felt impatient and scared. I'm not used to not having a project to work on, but it was difficult to start when I don't know my way around. I constantly remind myself that it's ok to take it slow.

I went out with one of my closest friend who lives in New York. She's always been a great source of support for me. During our get together, I realized that I was holding on to the past too tight. I was starting to get annoyed with myself for repeating the same "problems" and I didn't like being that person. I realized that it was ok to take a step in a new direction. So I did.

Although still frustrated with not knowing what I can do to help out financially. I decided to stop listening to other people's suggestions. After all, if I don't know the answer, how would anybody else know. I had so many ideas in all different directions. Writing, designing kids wall posters, sell crafty things on etsy.com, become a children's photographer, a professional organizer, starting a blog with tips for moms, starting a website for respectful parenting. There wasn't one thing that stood out. And I did contact my old boss about working freelance again. Maybe the timing isn't right, but it didn't feel promising. So I just have to keep moving forward.

Instead of picking one, I simultaneously starting working on half of that list. And then added a new one, to be a substitute teacher at Oliver's school, also another idea from a Chinese mom here to teach Mandarin to babies and toddlers. That last idea grew and now I'm working on a curriculum to teach Chinese at Oliver's school and maybe other playgroups.

I realize that it does help me to work on so many things at the same time. No one can tell me that I will end up getting nothing accomplished. Maybe I'm not an expert at one of them, but I am really good at most of them. And maybe this is the path to find my true self. I can somehow roll every natural talent I have into one big project.

I guess this is what happens when you move to the other side of the country. I can finally, at 36, feel like I don't need anyone's approval. And in a place where I have no roots, I can roam freely. I'm looking for a new passion. I'm looking to help someone be happier or feel comforted, or learn something new.

So I've been writing for a website called A Mom Knows. I share tips, opinions, recipes whenever I can. I literally make a penny per click, but I am happy and proud of my articles. I took photos of the baby upstairs and sold them some prints. Not much money, but it was a good start for not really knowing the camera well. I just trust I have a good eye and can capture a moment worth photographing. I designed one poster for kids wall, and plan to design more so I can start selling them. I've contacted a few blogs to review my book (actually one place contacted me but it didn't make it into the issue because of deadline reasons). I'm moving forward with teaching Chinese. And I can still design if a project comes along.

I feel content. I don't feel stressed by the long list of projects to complete. And I am hopeful that something will feel right and stand out more than the others. In the meantime, I'll just keep moving forward.

In New York

"Is this really happening?" We have officially moved to New York. About 10 years ago, Chris and I came out here to interview. At the time I had no idea what it would be like to move across the country. I also didn't own any furniture or have a 3.5 year old to worry about. I'm not sure how we got here. The last few months has been a whirlwind, but I know it hasn't been difficult transition. Everything seemed to line up at the right time. I was done volunteering for the MOMS Club. I was learning things about myself and wanted to focus on my self-work. Chris and I were already looking for a larger home in LA so moving was already on our mind. We were ready for a change. A big change.

I packed my schedule in the last month in LA with get togethers with friends. I was happy to see everyone and didn't want to get sad about leaving. Mom went back to visit family in Taiwan and it was a tear-free goodbye. I'm not sure if I really didn't feel like I was moving that far away, or maybe I've turned off that part of my brain so I wouldn't just break down. Just stay busy and keep pack and unpacking. Get the house cleared, then fill up the new one back up. This time, everything has it's place.

I am finding where I need to go in the new city, but inside I'm feeling a bit lost. I am searching for a new school for Oliver, but scared of what that means for me. Time alone in a big city and time to get back into the job world. Re-decorating the house, but too tense to enjoy the beauty that surrounds me. I feel like I'm just floating. I guess that's normal for being in a new city, having not properly grieved for what's left behind. I am unsettled.

The other day I noticed that one of the windows in our bedroom had a view of a tree with yellow leaves, and the other window was a tree with red leaves. It was romantic and beautiful. And tonight, it was an orange sunset across the sky next to the lit up Manhattan skyline. This new place I call home is magical. I'm taking a deep breath now, reminding myself to just be in the moment.

Moms offering moms support

The MOMS in MOMS Club Club is an acronym that stands for "moms offering moms support." When I joined the club, I was very hesitant. I lived most of my life doing things on my own. I didn't believe in receiving help from others, especially from strangers. Asking for help would show my weakness, and I just can't have that.

I joined anyway because I was desperate. Being a first time mom and faced with the emotional ups and mostly downs was very tough. I was lost within myself. I felt stripped of my title as the career woman, and wasn't sure what I needed to do as a mother to get back to that same level of comfort I had at a 9 to 5 job. I am not great in social situations. I now have to be in play groups? talk to others about being a mom? what do I know? They'll see through it that I don't know what I am doing. I would be a failure. I would feel dumb. Why am I putting myself in a place to be judged?

It took a few months, but I did hit a turning point. I realized that I could offer my support and skills by redesigning the club's website. I found a place for myself and a role that the club needed, and it also fulfilled my own needs to be creative and productive. Once I got involved, I was hooked. I volunteered for so many committees that when the time came, the executive board asked if I wanted to be the next club president. I guess the career woman side of me took over and decided to go for it. I knew I could do the job and it would be a great opportunity to practice my public speaking skills. And little did I know how much more I would learn from taking on this position.

When I was a little girl I loved being a performer. I told stories and acted them out. I loved to put on school plays and wrote, directed, acted, and designed the sets and props. I spoke up to my parents that I wanted to audition for some kids show and going to acting schools. I had no fear being in front of an audience. And honestly, I don't know what made that go away. Maybe it was over one conversation when my sister wanted to go back to Taiwan by herself to pursue music and didn't want me to tag along. I do remember her saying that I won't make it as a teen pop star...she's probably right. It was at a time when Chinese teenagers from the US would go back to Asia and become big stars. I didn't see myself doing that, but being put down for it probably made me lose whatever confidence I had. Whatever the reason is, I labeled myself the shy girl, the socially awkward girl.

It took a few MOMS Club meetings before I felt more comfortable. I was forced to speak up with all the children throwing toys or crying in the background. I had to find a way to hold a meeting and get everyone's attention. What a great way to practice this skill with a group of women looking to me for support. And I had my well behaved son to show that I've done my job as a mom that he never fussed about waiting me at the meetings.

Then another big change happened in my life. Dad past away just a month after I became the club president. It was so sudden and I had to drop everything I was doing to take care of mom and the funeral arrangements. Somehow being the president for a short month has given me the confidence to be in charge. I took care of things the best I could. And the moms in the club that I became friends with all reached out to me. Some came to visit, others brought over food, and the club even made a donation to the temple in Dad's name. It was amazing and wonderful to feel the love and care for by people I've only met for a short time. And this unexpected support from the club, along with the passing of Dad, has opened a door for me. I was starting to trust others, and willing to receive help and show my vulnerable side.

The monthly newsletter for the club has an opening message from the president. From early on I decided to write about my experiences and share honestly about myself. My hopes was that maybe someone else who experiences the same thing can find comfort in knowing that she is not alone. And each month after the newsletter goes out, I'd get a few email responses about how much they enjoyed reading my writing. Writing always came naturally for me, but I never thought of myself as a writer. Even though I've written and published a tips book for first time moms, that was not written with much emotions but more practical advice. I really don't see myself as having a unique voice, but I guess I'm basically doing the same thing with this blog. And I have found that I do enjoy the process of writing. And somehow in the process of allowing the words to flow, the ideas and answers appears.

I am just not convinced. After years of suppressing my true emotions and hiding behind what I think people want to see, I have to start telling myself that I do have something important to say and deserves to be heard. I've developed the bad habit of a lot of bad self talk. The grown up me was very capable and confident, but the inner child me was terrified and angry over some unmet needs.

I do love to help people. And I genuinely care and want others to gain something from my actions. I tackled a big project with the MOMS Club by moving our entire group to a new website system. It was so much work and I was faced with some resistance, but I really believed in it and just went for it. The same thing happened when I decided to "split" the club. The club was getting too large in my opinion to offer one on one support. There was already a division due to geography, so I was able to convince everyone that starting a new Hollywood chapter would benefit everyone. Both of these big projects happened within a few months of each other. I was working day and night to make sure I can complete my vision. I was really burnt out by the end. However the positive feedback I received made it all worth it. I know the club would benefit from this change for years to come. And I was proud of myself for sticking to what I believed in and trusted that I can get it done.

Still, some part of what I do for others is to try to gain their approval. I do challenge myself and I love taking on a big task. And there's nothing bigger than picking up to move your family across the country to a place you've never been to. This time, I didn't really do it for anyone's approval. I did ask mom how she felt about it, but I was already one foot out the door. The birth of Oliver took my life in a whole new direction. If it weren't for him I'd still be designing movie posters in an office with the same people I've worked with for almost 10 years. I loved that job and everyone I worked with, but 10 years is a good run and I was time to move forward. Oliver's arrival shook me up. I was confused, exhausted, sad, terrified of all the unknown. I was motivated by giving him the best I can offer so I had to leave my comfort zone. I joined the MOMS Club that led me to so many more opportunities for myself.

At the going away party, so many of the moms came up to me and said "If it weren't for you…" I don't think I've heard that before but it felt great to know that I have made a difference. And all I had to do was to be myself and do what I believed was right. Another mom said what I'm doing is very brave, to move across the country. I didn't see myself that way either since I always feel so scared about so many things. I am slowly realizing that I am my biggest obstacle. I listened to my own negative talk for so long that I am not hearing the positive. Meanwhile, I've had a clothing business based on positive affirmation, a book on offering tips to help others. It's so strange that I behave like the person I "want to be", but not make the connection that I am that person already.

The MOMS Club has offered me so many opportunities to explore within the safety and care of other great moms. My inner child was loved and nurtured. I now have stronger wings and more stamina now to let myself fly freely.

I've always believed in everything happens for a reason and they happen at the time you need them to happen. Too bad I only realize this after the event, but at least I do recognize it. And I'm grateful to have been apart of a club that offered me the support I needed when I needed it the most.