Ann, the teacher

I just stumbled into this one, Ann, the Chinese teacher. 4 Months ago I thought I'd move to New York and either become a children's photographer (have done 1 successful shoot) or continue with graphic design. And maybe subconsciously I didn't try as hard with the design work, but nothing really came out of my few attempts to get work. What started out as just another idea now has become my new career. I approached Oliver's preschool about working as a substitute teacher thinking it would help Oliver knowing I work there. The conversation led to me teaching their 2s and 3s classes Chinese. So began the process of me cutting up felt to make little animals and types of food, hand puppets and cardboard cut outs.

Simultaneously the Chinese mom friend I made here on our 4th day in Brooklyn wanted to start a Chinese school. I was excited about it at first, but realized that I was going to be putting in a lot more time and effort into the curriculum plus teaching. It didn't feel right knowing I didn't want to have a business partner who I barely know and I didn't want to commit to anything long term. She did introduce me to another woman who also wanted to start a school. So they had me teach a trial class at one of their playgroups last week. I did a lot of preparation for the class but didn't know what to expect. It was 4 kids under 2, they can understand a little bit of Chinese but most couldn't say much. The biggest challenge was trying to keep them focused in a room packed with toys. I think I did well and had a unique take on breaking down the song lyrics to teach them the vocabulary. It was a 45 minute class and I was sweating after finishing the first out of 5 songs I prepared for in the first 5 minutes. At one point I was just making things up, but it worked out. I would interact with each child using a stuffed animal and that really got their attention. And next week I'll be meeting with the 2 ladies to talk about what my plans are for teaching.

I really didn't expect to be going down this road. I do think I am good with the kids and I am hoping to do more smaller scale tutoring. Maybe once I have some more experience and see what works then I can continue with that. I also have other ideas to turn my curriculum into a digital text book or application to sell on iTunes. I think there are a lot of opportunities and skills that I have that can take teaching Chinese to another level.

I also had another idea for a children's book...I think I better go over my list and narrow it down.

In 2 weeks I start teaching at the preschool and maybe this other class. It will be good to have a paid job. : )

Oliver at 3.5 years old

"I did it by myself!" is a phrase often heard around the house these days. Oliver continues to amaze me everyday with how much he has learned. In the last few months since we moved to Brooklyn, Oliver has found a new independence riding his scooter around town. He's gotten very adventurous with his moves. Often balancing on one foot and zig zags around the pedestrians. He continues to be respectful of the rules and will stop where I ask him to, and always wait at the inside corner of an intersection.

He now can change his own pants, put on his shoes, use a fork when he eats. He can also write his name. Today he wrote my name too! When we read now, if he comes across he doesn't know, he always asks what it means. His vocabulary has grown in both English and Chinese. He's even learned a tong twister in Mandarin about eating grapes. He also has a good sense in math. He can do simple addition when he wants 3 of something and he has 2, he will say "one more". He can also count in both languages up to 50.

After a tough month of getting adjusted to his school schedule, he finally has gotten comfortable with going. Can't say that he loves school yet, but he seems to be very proud of the drawings he's made from school. And he always sings new songs he learned. The teachers adore him and tells us that Oliver always offers to help the other children.

His favorite show has been Blues Clues which he watches in the mornings and afternoon. About 2 hours of tv a day. He's learned quite a bit from the show actually. And it's really cute when he laughs while he's watching. Recently he got a taste of Star Wars. He loves the Snow Speeders. And being very resourceful and imaginative, he used a 2 liter ginger ale bottle as a lightsaber.

A few months ago I wrote an article about how to feed a picky eater. Oliver had himself on a strict diet of mostly carbs and dairy and fruits. He did get a pretty balanced meal when I learned the best way to feed him was to separate all the food groups. Lately though he's started to become more open to other foods. He now enjoys pizza and today he had corn on the cob.

Every Monday Oliver goes to a sports class over at New York Kids Club just a short walk from the apartment. The first time he didn't want to go inside even though I wait there for him and he can see me the entire time. Then after a few classes, now he has no trouble going in, and really enjoys running around. As always he is great with following directions and the teachers love him.

On Monday mornings before sports class we have a regular playdate with a little girl named Charlotte. Her mom and baby brother Hudson comes over and play for about 2 hours. Oliver and Charlotte play very well together and he also enjoys having Hudson around. Oliver will always look for the soft toys for the baby and is very gentle around him. We recently visited the Brooklyn Children's Museum with them and had a great time.

Around Christmas was when I noticed a change in the types of things Oliver plays with. After a full year of daily Lego playing, he moved onto more pretend play. The couch with some boxes and my guitar stand has been turned into a police boat or fire truck. A step ladder has become his "high chair" for every meal and it's also been some type of air craft. He loves pretend play and often he plays the teacher, the coach, or the daddy. He loves to run laps in our apartment like we are race cars, build obstacle courses with the furniture, hide things around the house for us to find them. Catching and running away from monsters is also a favorite. When he did slow down to play with Lego, incredibly he can build a never before seen rescue vehicle. And he will never turn down a dance party. His favorite songs are "#2" and "E eats everything" by They Might Be Giants, "Witch Doctor", "Yellow Submarine", and "All Together Now".

On Wednesday afternoons we go to a Chinese playgroup so Oliver can be around other children and grown ups who speaks Chinese. It is because of this exposure that Oliver started to speak more Chinese on his own. He has great pronunciation and enjoys surprising me when he speaks it. And with my latest career path in teaching Mandarin, Oliver has been very supportive and helps me test out my material.

One thing I've been trying to do more is to have normal conversations with Oliver. We talk about what projects to work on. What we need to do to take care of the house. I share with him my childhood stories, which he enjoys and asks a lot of questions. We talk about our feelings, when we are sad or mad. It's really wonderful to feel a close connection to him and we share openly. That is something very important to me that I hope will continue no matter how old he gets.

Today we re-organized his room a little and I moved a small lamp next to his bed. He's able to turn the light on and off himself. So he suggested we try something new, that he turns the light off before I close the door. "Lights off!" I said, and he turned it off. And he went to sleep.

Although, this week he's testing the limit a bit. When I say no to something, he'll say "I'll do it myself!" Sometimes he succeeds, but he knows he shouldn't have. We're big on keeping our word so he understands that there are limits he needs to respect. He also understands how to make deals. I guess he is learning the art of negotiation.

So, he's still wonderful and loving and beautiful inside and out. Can't believe he'll be 4 in just a few months. He'll be excited to eat some Fruit Loops cereal because one time at the market he wanted them and I said "I'll get those for you on your birthday!" What a patient little boy.

Where do I start?

I've now been living in Brooklyn for 3 months. That unsettling feeling is starting to go away. I've learned how to dress for the weather, how to shop, and how to spend the 2 8-hour days while Oliver is in school. The first month was really hard. I felt impatient and scared. I'm not used to not having a project to work on, but it was difficult to start when I don't know my way around. I constantly remind myself that it's ok to take it slow.

I went out with one of my closest friend who lives in New York. She's always been a great source of support for me. During our get together, I realized that I was holding on to the past too tight. I was starting to get annoyed with myself for repeating the same "problems" and I didn't like being that person. I realized that it was ok to take a step in a new direction. So I did.

Although still frustrated with not knowing what I can do to help out financially. I decided to stop listening to other people's suggestions. After all, if I don't know the answer, how would anybody else know. I had so many ideas in all different directions. Writing, designing kids wall posters, sell crafty things on etsy.com, become a children's photographer, a professional organizer, starting a blog with tips for moms, starting a website for respectful parenting. There wasn't one thing that stood out. And I did contact my old boss about working freelance again. Maybe the timing isn't right, but it didn't feel promising. So I just have to keep moving forward.

Instead of picking one, I simultaneously starting working on half of that list. And then added a new one, to be a substitute teacher at Oliver's school, also another idea from a Chinese mom here to teach Mandarin to babies and toddlers. That last idea grew and now I'm working on a curriculum to teach Chinese at Oliver's school and maybe other playgroups.

I realize that it does help me to work on so many things at the same time. No one can tell me that I will end up getting nothing accomplished. Maybe I'm not an expert at one of them, but I am really good at most of them. And maybe this is the path to find my true self. I can somehow roll every natural talent I have into one big project.

I guess this is what happens when you move to the other side of the country. I can finally, at 36, feel like I don't need anyone's approval. And in a place where I have no roots, I can roam freely. I'm looking for a new passion. I'm looking to help someone be happier or feel comforted, or learn something new.

So I've been writing for a website called A Mom Knows. I share tips, opinions, recipes whenever I can. I literally make a penny per click, but I am happy and proud of my articles. I took photos of the baby upstairs and sold them some prints. Not much money, but it was a good start for not really knowing the camera well. I just trust I have a good eye and can capture a moment worth photographing. I designed one poster for kids wall, and plan to design more so I can start selling them. I've contacted a few blogs to review my book (actually one place contacted me but it didn't make it into the issue because of deadline reasons). I'm moving forward with teaching Chinese. And I can still design if a project comes along.

I feel content. I don't feel stressed by the long list of projects to complete. And I am hopeful that something will feel right and stand out more than the others. In the meantime, I'll just keep moving forward.

In New York

"Is this really happening?" We have officially moved to New York. About 10 years ago, Chris and I came out here to interview. At the time I had no idea what it would be like to move across the country. I also didn't own any furniture or have a 3.5 year old to worry about. I'm not sure how we got here. The last few months has been a whirlwind, but I know it hasn't been difficult transition. Everything seemed to line up at the right time. I was done volunteering for the MOMS Club. I was learning things about myself and wanted to focus on my self-work. Chris and I were already looking for a larger home in LA so moving was already on our mind. We were ready for a change. A big change.

I packed my schedule in the last month in LA with get togethers with friends. I was happy to see everyone and didn't want to get sad about leaving. Mom went back to visit family in Taiwan and it was a tear-free goodbye. I'm not sure if I really didn't feel like I was moving that far away, or maybe I've turned off that part of my brain so I wouldn't just break down. Just stay busy and keep pack and unpacking. Get the house cleared, then fill up the new one back up. This time, everything has it's place.

I am finding where I need to go in the new city, but inside I'm feeling a bit lost. I am searching for a new school for Oliver, but scared of what that means for me. Time alone in a big city and time to get back into the job world. Re-decorating the house, but too tense to enjoy the beauty that surrounds me. I feel like I'm just floating. I guess that's normal for being in a new city, having not properly grieved for what's left behind. I am unsettled.

The other day I noticed that one of the windows in our bedroom had a view of a tree with yellow leaves, and the other window was a tree with red leaves. It was romantic and beautiful. And tonight, it was an orange sunset across the sky next to the lit up Manhattan skyline. This new place I call home is magical. I'm taking a deep breath now, reminding myself to just be in the moment.

Moms offering moms support

The MOMS in MOMS Club Club is an acronym that stands for "moms offering moms support." When I joined the club, I was very hesitant. I lived most of my life doing things on my own. I didn't believe in receiving help from others, especially from strangers. Asking for help would show my weakness, and I just can't have that.

I joined anyway because I was desperate. Being a first time mom and faced with the emotional ups and mostly downs was very tough. I was lost within myself. I felt stripped of my title as the career woman, and wasn't sure what I needed to do as a mother to get back to that same level of comfort I had at a 9 to 5 job. I am not great in social situations. I now have to be in play groups? talk to others about being a mom? what do I know? They'll see through it that I don't know what I am doing. I would be a failure. I would feel dumb. Why am I putting myself in a place to be judged?

It took a few months, but I did hit a turning point. I realized that I could offer my support and skills by redesigning the club's website. I found a place for myself and a role that the club needed, and it also fulfilled my own needs to be creative and productive. Once I got involved, I was hooked. I volunteered for so many committees that when the time came, the executive board asked if I wanted to be the next club president. I guess the career woman side of me took over and decided to go for it. I knew I could do the job and it would be a great opportunity to practice my public speaking skills. And little did I know how much more I would learn from taking on this position.

When I was a little girl I loved being a performer. I told stories and acted them out. I loved to put on school plays and wrote, directed, acted, and designed the sets and props. I spoke up to my parents that I wanted to audition for some kids show and going to acting schools. I had no fear being in front of an audience. And honestly, I don't know what made that go away. Maybe it was over one conversation when my sister wanted to go back to Taiwan by herself to pursue music and didn't want me to tag along. I do remember her saying that I won't make it as a teen pop star...she's probably right. It was at a time when Chinese teenagers from the US would go back to Asia and become big stars. I didn't see myself doing that, but being put down for it probably made me lose whatever confidence I had. Whatever the reason is, I labeled myself the shy girl, the socially awkward girl.

It took a few MOMS Club meetings before I felt more comfortable. I was forced to speak up with all the children throwing toys or crying in the background. I had to find a way to hold a meeting and get everyone's attention. What a great way to practice this skill with a group of women looking to me for support. And I had my well behaved son to show that I've done my job as a mom that he never fussed about waiting me at the meetings.

Then another big change happened in my life. Dad past away just a month after I became the club president. It was so sudden and I had to drop everything I was doing to take care of mom and the funeral arrangements. Somehow being the president for a short month has given me the confidence to be in charge. I took care of things the best I could. And the moms in the club that I became friends with all reached out to me. Some came to visit, others brought over food, and the club even made a donation to the temple in Dad's name. It was amazing and wonderful to feel the love and care for by people I've only met for a short time. And this unexpected support from the club, along with the passing of Dad, has opened a door for me. I was starting to trust others, and willing to receive help and show my vulnerable side.

The monthly newsletter for the club has an opening message from the president. From early on I decided to write about my experiences and share honestly about myself. My hopes was that maybe someone else who experiences the same thing can find comfort in knowing that she is not alone. And each month after the newsletter goes out, I'd get a few email responses about how much they enjoyed reading my writing. Writing always came naturally for me, but I never thought of myself as a writer. Even though I've written and published a tips book for first time moms, that was not written with much emotions but more practical advice. I really don't see myself as having a unique voice, but I guess I'm basically doing the same thing with this blog. And I have found that I do enjoy the process of writing. And somehow in the process of allowing the words to flow, the ideas and answers appears.

I am just not convinced. After years of suppressing my true emotions and hiding behind what I think people want to see, I have to start telling myself that I do have something important to say and deserves to be heard. I've developed the bad habit of a lot of bad self talk. The grown up me was very capable and confident, but the inner child me was terrified and angry over some unmet needs.

I do love to help people. And I genuinely care and want others to gain something from my actions. I tackled a big project with the MOMS Club by moving our entire group to a new website system. It was so much work and I was faced with some resistance, but I really believed in it and just went for it. The same thing happened when I decided to "split" the club. The club was getting too large in my opinion to offer one on one support. There was already a division due to geography, so I was able to convince everyone that starting a new Hollywood chapter would benefit everyone. Both of these big projects happened within a few months of each other. I was working day and night to make sure I can complete my vision. I was really burnt out by the end. However the positive feedback I received made it all worth it. I know the club would benefit from this change for years to come. And I was proud of myself for sticking to what I believed in and trusted that I can get it done.

Still, some part of what I do for others is to try to gain their approval. I do challenge myself and I love taking on a big task. And there's nothing bigger than picking up to move your family across the country to a place you've never been to. This time, I didn't really do it for anyone's approval. I did ask mom how she felt about it, but I was already one foot out the door. The birth of Oliver took my life in a whole new direction. If it weren't for him I'd still be designing movie posters in an office with the same people I've worked with for almost 10 years. I loved that job and everyone I worked with, but 10 years is a good run and I was time to move forward. Oliver's arrival shook me up. I was confused, exhausted, sad, terrified of all the unknown. I was motivated by giving him the best I can offer so I had to leave my comfort zone. I joined the MOMS Club that led me to so many more opportunities for myself.

At the going away party, so many of the moms came up to me and said "If it weren't for you…" I don't think I've heard that before but it felt great to know that I have made a difference. And all I had to do was to be myself and do what I believed was right. Another mom said what I'm doing is very brave, to move across the country. I didn't see myself that way either since I always feel so scared about so many things. I am slowly realizing that I am my biggest obstacle. I listened to my own negative talk for so long that I am not hearing the positive. Meanwhile, I've had a clothing business based on positive affirmation, a book on offering tips to help others. It's so strange that I behave like the person I "want to be", but not make the connection that I am that person already.

The MOMS Club has offered me so many opportunities to explore within the safety and care of other great moms. My inner child was loved and nurtured. I now have stronger wings and more stamina now to let myself fly freely.

I've always believed in everything happens for a reason and they happen at the time you need them to happen. Too bad I only realize this after the event, but at least I do recognize it. And I'm grateful to have been apart of a club that offered me the support I needed when I needed it the most.

Bye RubyLove!

It's been 5 years since I started RubyLove, and it's finally time to say goodbye. From being scared of not knowing what to do, to learning what I can do if I believed in myself, it was such a big learning experience.

The motivation for designing the Reflection-Tees was to help someone wearing the tee feel good on the inside while looking cute on the outside. I believe I have brought a few smiles to people who have bought the shirts. And the best part of it all is that Oliver loves seeing me wearing my "heart" shirts. He knows that means love, and he always asks me to wear them. On some nights when he feels like he needs me around, I will leave one of the RubyLove shirts with him in bed. So after everything, I know I'm making at least one very special someone smile.

Since our latest adventure of moving across the country requires us to pack lightly, I've decided to sell the RubyLove inventory. Even though I didn't have the time to work on the business in the last 3 years since Oliver was born, I thought about it often and saved many ideas of what I can do to revive the collection. I truly believe it's job is still not done and it's worth revisiting. However, I have accepted that I am not the person who can do the job. So I posted an ad on craigslist and began the interviewing process to find a new home for RubyLove. And after a few responses, one came across that made my heart sing. A lady who is in the business of helping women who have been abused was interested in buying the business. After a few exchanges, I decided she was the one who can breath a new life into RubyLove.

It's bittersweet saying goodbye to my first "baby", but I know she'll be well taken care of.

Final Message from the President, June 2011

Crawling, walking, talking, potty training...what's next? As my child becomes less dependent on me, I am starting to think about what's next for me? What new parenting skills do I need to learn to keep up with his never-ending curiosity? I've already become a construction truck expert, do I need to start playing soccer or baseball?

Those things are much more fun and easy compared to the most important thing I need to learn: letting go. It's a skill that I do not possess and desperately need to learn. I have held on to wonderful memories as well as painful experiences. I've held on to the praises I have received, but they are overshadowed by the criticisms that are held even closer. I've tried to control, even when I know it's really not my call.

With all these weighing on my shoulders, life has brought me a soon-to-be-three-year-old "life coach." As a proud parent of a bright and sweet child whom I love dearly, I must admit I often feel beaten by the end of the day. My son Oliver treats Lego-playing like it's a full-time job. It is fun to watch how focused and creatively his mind works. However, after 5 months of this daily exercise, it's just not that much fun for me anymore. There's not a story told at bedtime without an interruption of how he thinks the story should go. (Cute, but a real test for my patience.) Meal times are always a struggle, even though I know it's only a phase.

I hear it loud and clear: Let it go! When you take a step back, none of this matters. It's just in the moment and the repetition that can build a lot of toxic energy. And what it comes down to, is that in this relationship, my own needs aren't being met. I've gotten so used to putting his needs first, I am not sure I know what I need. And honestly, I've been "wrong" so many times, I am not even sure if I know what he needs.

As I finish my term as club President at the end of this month, I am once again faced with letting go. In the past year, I trusted my instincts to do what I felt the club needed. From switching to bigtent.com as our members-only website, to helping to start the Hollywood sister chapter, it wasn't all a smooth ride. I did my best, and can only hope that everyone has, in one way or another, benefit from the changes. This position has allowed me to connect with so many amazing women. And I appreciate what this experience has done for me in preparation for whatever comes next.

It's been a pleasure offering support to all of you.

Ann Dooley

P.S. It looks like moving to New York is becoming a reality. This will be the biggest challenge of letting go I have to face, but I am excited about the possibilities.