December Message from the President

"Is that a surprise for me?" My two and a half year old son asked when a package arrived at our house. "No, it's a package for Daddy." I replied. "It looks like it's for me." He said. I ended up giving him the box which later became a garage for his toy cars. This isn't the first time we've had this conversation. It seems that for some time now I've been using an unopened toy or his favorite snack as a bargaining chip for his cooperation. I had been putting off having the other conversation with myself about what exactly am I teaching my son? I know I do it for my own survival, to prevent a tantrum or another stressful situation. However, have I created a bigger monster in the process? Has he become a child who gets so excited about getting something new that he would do whatever I asked? Or one who is always wondering "what's in it for me?" And this is going through my head while I click through every Amazon link trying to find the perfect garbage truck toy for him, I guess this time I can blame Santa for bribing him to be a good boy.

Maybe it's not that bad. It's tough being a mom and we do need to have some ammunition when battling over who is in control. I sometimes feel like I'm a contestant on Survivor being outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted by a toddler. And it's never in the moment that I can come up with a reasonable solution. And on days when he decided to really test me, I just want to roll up into a ball and hide in the corner. So I give in, then later feel guilty for "taking the easy way out" or defeated, and sometimes relieved that I've dodged a bullet.

I had to dig deep to find some more energy to rethink my approach. I recall on many occasions when I had to improvise because I didn't pack something for Oliver to play with. The resourceful side in me turned to myself and became his favorite toy. And somehow having Oliver sit on my knees while I pretended to be a construction truck made the time pass so much quicker..and happier. Another time I cracked him up when I covered my face with hair and try to blow them off. Or when we pretended to plant a flower, water it and wait for it to grow, I saw his eyes lit up when the invisible flowers came out of the ground.

So maybe before I buy a new toy to get myself out of a "situation", I should be asking him "Would you do this for me if we'll play together after?" And come to think of it, how often have I hopped in the tub full of bubbles myself so he would take a bath. And how I tried to get him to go to bed, with the promise of a game we'll play in the morning. And those times when he thinks about "what's in it for me?" I'm sure he was delighted by the thought of more quality time with mommy or daddy.

And what about those tantrums? I must admit that I don't give Oliver enough credit for being a very reasonable person (when he's well- rested and fed). I got so used to telling him that something is broken because I didn't want him to turn it on, or something is all gone because I didn't want him to have any more. I did that so often, I imagine Oliver probably thinks that we only have broken things and nothing is ever replaced in our home. I have to remind myself that just because a few months ago he didn't understand something, it doesn't mean he still doesn't understand it now. After I read an interesting article about how our children benefit from feeling their negative emotions and working through them, I decided to face the truth myself. Using some of the techniques I learned from watching "Happiest Toddler On The Block", I felt comfortable enough to approach Oliver with my request. I first acknowledge what it was that he wanted, followed by what I wanted as honest and clear as possible, then be empathic without changing my message while he worked through his sadness and frustrations. Sure, he still got upset, but the difference was that I was being understanding while in control. And I was pleasantly surprised by how quickly the situation was diffused. And realizing that I should have had more respect for him to be honest and reasonable, even at his young age.

It is tough being a parent. It is especially tough being a parent around the holidays when there are a million more things to take care of. With everything said, I know there will still be days when I am too tired to remember to do things differently. Oliver will still be waking up to a new toy truck waiting for him come Christmas morning. However, he'll definitely be getting a lot more of my undivided attention.

From the Dooley family, we wish you all a very happy holiday season!

Message from the President: October

President’s Message

For days I've been staring at the blank page on my computer screen trying to think of what to write for this month's message. It's been a tough time for me personally. I lost my father about a month ago, and life has been a big confusing blur ever since. And these days, it takes more energy and focus than ever to take care of those who still needs me. The time between putting Oliver to bed, and before my husband gets home from work, has become the toughest part of my day. When it's quiet in the house, it's only me and my thoughts.

So many things went through my mind with so much urgency for finding a solution. How do I tell my son that his beloved grandfather will not be back for his weekly visit? How do I preserve his memory in the mind of a 2-year old? What lessons from my father do I want to pass down? The side of me that needs to have control was able to stay strong for my mother, while the side that understands the need to grieve did not want to step up to the plate.

My father was a great caretaker. He lived a simple life and always made sure his family had what they needed. He was a strict parent when we were younger, and didn't show much emotion or affection. When he did, it was through making us food, keeping the car I drove gassed and running smoothly, and constantly reminding me to take my vitamins and eat more. It was only in the short time that he's been with his only grandson, that a different side of him emerged. For the first time in my life, I got to experience a playful silly side of my dad. And he could not hide how happy he was being a grandfather. And I am so grateful that they had the chance to know one another.

As a mom, I do everything I can to protect my child and keep him from feeling sad or scared. I am also aware that he needs to know that people do experience sadness, but we can move forward and be happy again. While I was trying to figure out how to explain this loss to my son, I reminded myself that children are built with amazing coping skills. They are faced with so many unknowns and fears everyday, but they can bounce back with extreme resiliency. So when Oliver finally asked for his grandpa, I explained that he went to a far away place and we are sad that he won't be visiting us anymore. Oliver did ask again to confirm if grandpa will come over. I said no, but we can look at pictures and pretend to "call him on the phone" if we miss him. At that moment, my heart ached for both of us. Oliver listened and behaved as if he was putting the pieces together in his head. He asked a few other times with a seriousness in his tone. I felt that in his own way, he has accepted the fact that people can go away and never return. This has added to his separation anxiety during bedtime, and asking "Are you coming back?" whenever someone leave the room.

So one day at a time, I tried to show Oliver that we can move forward and be happy again. And I made extra efforts to give him a sense of safety and security. I don't know how this experience with change us. I can only reminded myself to face the unknown and keep moving forward.

What has been the most amazing part of this experience is the overwhelming love and support my family and I have received during this difficult time. I've felt so much genuine emotions from everywhere, as if I was wrapped around by a big warm blanket. Especially the friends I've made in the MOMS Club who were unbelievably generous with their time to be there for me. The members of executive board have all stepped in to help take care of my responsibilities when I couldn't. Many of them brought over dinners and offered to help in anyway they can. It is a real blessing to have such strong support. And it reinforces our club motto Moms Offering Moms Support, regardless if it's the beginning of a new life, or when one comes to an end. From the bottom of my heart, thank you all so much for being there.

At 2 years and 4 months

At 2 years and 4 months, Oliver is a happy, funny, animated, pre-preschooler. He's been going for about a month. The first day he was not happy about it at all, but since then he's learned that it's a place that he gets to play with fun things and have more teachers who'll play with him than just me. So now he really enjoys school, and we often talk about the things we learned there. Since we started school, it's been much easier to get him to wash his hands, sit down to eat a meal, and understand the 5-minute rule before moving on to another activity. He's also learned to play next to other children, and how to handle situations when 2 of them wants the same toy.

Here's a picture of Oliver taken by the teachers at his preschool. Every Tuesday there's a music teacher, teacher William, who comes with little drums and shakers to teach the children to sing and play music. One thing teacher William likes to do is to have the children sing a color instead of just saying it. So we often play that game during non-school days and sing "Bluuuuue....Yeeeellllooooow!"

These are his classmates (We try not to use the word "friends" because at this age, children can play with you one day and ignore you the next. So not to confuse them the meaning of friendship, we say "the children in your class". That's another thing, the teachers say "children" and not "kids" which feels like you should take them more seriously.)

The boy in the red shirt is Koji, and the girl in pink is Mable. The blue square on the rug behind Mable is where I ask Oliver to sit when it's circle time. It's his favorite color, and from day one I told him go to "your" blue square. He now runs and lays down on his blue square.

Oliver playing with bubbles next to classmate Frisco. They actually used to hang out at the Coffeebean and Tea Leaf on Sunset when we used to walk there in the morning. We didn't know Frisco or his sister Lila, but saw them often. I recognized them in their Family Book at the school. So turns out these 2 goes way back when they were still babies...if only they knew.

Oliver still loves to play the drum, but he also enjoys pretending to play the trumpet and and the piano. (among lots of other pretend games and imaginary friends FaFa and Bubu) He loves to sing, and the list of songs he knows is growing:

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star in English and Chinese
The Hello Song (from school)
The Good Bye Song (from school)
ABCs
A song about 2 Tigers in Chinese in the melodies of Frere Jacques
Wheels on the Bus
Head Shoulders Knees and Toes
Toe Knee Chestnut (similar to Head Shoulder Knees and Toes)
A Bushel and a Peck (Chris grew up listening to his song, we only sang it to Oliver when he was a baby, and one day last week he just started to sing it!)
The Barney theme song
The Mickey Mouse Club House theme song
And he can hear a song and try to follow it, or make up his own song about anything by repeating the word to his own melody.

Oliver has really developed quickly his speech and even correct grammer. Yesterday he explained to Chris when he found a goldfish cracker on his car seat that "Daddy, I can't eat it. It's been in the car. We need to throw it away." He uses past and present tenses such as "It's stopped" or "I'm still playing." And although he responds in English 99% of the time, he knows when to use Chinese. One time he said "holes" but I didn't understand it. He "repeated" the word in Chinese...he basically translated for me. And he remembers all of our Chinese names, my cell phone number (my dad told me to teach him that the day before he passed away, Oliver learned it within a week) His ability to memorize is so amazing, he now can read along at least 2 books. The 2 favorites are: Hop on Pop by Dr. Seuss and I'm Dirty (a book about a backhoe loader), and Rainbow Fish. We read them at bedtime, then open to his favorite page to be tucked between the bed frame and mattress so he can look at them. And Oliver tells us that he dreams about milk, and milk in a funny car coming out of the closet.

Everything is funny now. He likes the funny car, eat funny crackers. He loves his toy Lion "She-Tze" which is lion in Chinese. He will hold anything close and say "I love it! it's so cute!" and everything is pretty. His favorite food is still mostly fruits. He does love something called Gogi berry, which is used in many chinese herbal teas and medicine. Recently WholeFoods started to sell it as a snack that he tried it at school during snack time. Since then I've been putting them on his plate during meal time. He also likes savory flavored tofu that I cut into little sticks. He calls them train tracks. And he loves black olives, which are sliced and looks like wheels.

Oliver still helps to clean and sweep whenever "he can". He cleans up a lot at school which really impresses the teachers. At home, it's a little bit more work. I'm trying to have less toys out and before taking out another one, he should put an unused one away. He's also very well mannered. When he coughs, he will cover his mouth with his upper sleeve. He'll say excuse me, although he will say it with his face inches away from mine so I can't ignore him. He also likes to ask "Mommy, are you sad?" when he's done something wrong or when I'm upset. He'll always offer me a hug with a very sympathetic look on his face, followed by asking "Mommy, are you happy?" He also loves to say "by myself" when he does something by himself, and will hold the kitchen childproof gate open for me. What a gentle man. An ongoing joke he has is to tell me not to sing in the car, then I'll keep singing and he asks me to stop in a very serious tone. Then at bedtime, he'll ask me to sing Hop on Pop and switch back to reading when he feels like it.

Other than trying to figure out how to handle him waking up at 4:30 am, he continues to be great company and an amazing child.

Message from the President: September

Diapers! Check. Oliver‘s favorite toys! Check. Back up diapers and toys! Check and check. I haven‘t even packed my clothes yet and the luggage is already half full. (At least I am feeling optimistic.) This was the first Dooley family vacation by air. For months I was feeling excited and stressed over the details of this trip. The one thing I hadn‘t planned for was arriving late at the airport with our over-weight luggage, and had to tell Oliver in my most cheerful voice ―We are going to race and see who gets to the gate first!

Luckily, we did make our flight and had little drama on the plane. (Our luggage made it too.) Installing the car seat in the heat was a drag. And although we arrived too early for check in, we were just happy that we could finally start this vacation. It was a wonderful week of enjoying the sea breeze and warm waters of Kauai. And we all returned a bit more tanned, and much more relaxed.

Sometime during the trip, I thought about how different traveling was like before the baby. Not only the preparation has changed, but what activities you choose, how the day is scheduled, and how you experience your surroundings. It‘s a big production that can feel scary and overwhelming. Actually, it‘s not much different from those early days trying to go anywhere with my newborn. I was a nervous wreck, concerned about where to feed and change him, and how to keep myself together when he cries in public. And either I stuff the diaper bag until the zipper won‘t close, or be ready to stop by the drug store because I‘m one diaper short.

After two years of practice, I still find it a hassle to go out. To add to the dreaded exit procedures, Oliver now informs me that he‘s ―done sitting‖ after 10 minutes of driving time. Yet, we go out sometimes twice a day, and I‘ve learned to keep some extra diapers and clothes in the car. What I have found was that if I just get out of my comfort zone and leave the house, I get a huge pay off in the end. The world outside of our 1100 sq ft house can provide way more stimulation and entertainment than I can ever come up with (or have the energy for). And it‘s such a treat to see your child being fascinated by all the things that grown ups can no longer see. I always notice changes in Oliver after visiting a new place. It‘s feels like his brain has made new connections from the experience, and fast-forwards to the next milestone.

Maybe it‘s because of my sheltered childhood that I didn‘t develop an adventurous spirit until I was in college. I think I missed out on a lot of opportunities because of it, and that‘s probably what motivates me to go out nowadays. By not focusing so much on my own stress, I‘ve allowed myself to enjoy our outings. I feel rejuvenated when there are other grown ups that I can socialize with. And I feel therapeutic when I can use my imagination and play pretend, or be intrigued by the mundane. I never would have imagined having a good time while sitting in the middle of the sidewalk to watch street construction with Oliver.

Lately, I remind myself often that Oliver is not the only person who needs to be out more. I‘m also making efforts to have more ―me time‖, to catching up with old friends, and pamper myself whenever I can. It makes a huge difference in my energy and my emotional wellbeing when I break the routine. It‘s all about finding more balance in life as a stay at home mom. With that in mind, I invite you all to the great outdoors with your children. And will continue to plan club activities that will invigorate your spirit.

Oliver's first bee (wasp) sting

I took Oliver to a new park the other day. He was so excited when he saw the playground from the parking lot. Right away he spotted the train in the middle of the playground and said "I want to go on the train!" Even though there was plenty of other things to climb on and run through, we'd always return to the train. While he stays in the engine, I was asked to sit in the caboose.

This park had a lot of great features. It has a sand area which backhoes you can sit on and scoop sand. A play area that looked like a castle, a ship, and an airplane. Then there's another area that had roads with stop signs and a little gas station. There was also many slides, swings, see-saw (which he's never been on before).

Oliver loved this park and would run around and want to show me his discoveries. He also found the perfect bench for us to stop and have a snack: a box of raisins.

Another boy there had left his motorcycle toy in the road area of the park. So we borrowed it and Oliver rode it around like the coolest 2 year old boy. Especially with the jacket he wore that day, he looked like a real biker.

So we spent quit a bit of time at this park and it was almost time to go. Oliver returned to his favorite spot, the engine. For a minute, he had his back turned to me and hanging his body out the window. All of the sudden I heard him scream. The first time I actually thought he was just playing, then the second scream I ran over there. I saw there was a wasp stuck to his finger. Normally even if nothing was on him he'd get very upset, it must have hurt a lot. I remembered a while back looking up what to do when you get bee sting, so I quickly scraped off the wasp. As it was flying away, I saw a string of sticky venom coming out. Luckily there was no stinger left in Oliver's skin. He was crying and wanted to go home, but moments later he was fine and wanted to play more. It didn't look like he was getting any allergic reaction, but I was looking up on my phone/internet to see if I needed to do anything else. After washing his hands, we left the park and I saw a park ranger. So we made a detour and the ranger was able to tell me that Oliver seems ok, and gave us an ice pack. I think because the wasp was removed so quickly that Oliver only got poked, but didn't get any venom. He was totally fine and even the red mark disappeared by bath time.

Tough kid!

Another interesting interaction that day was a lesson in sharing toys and making friends. We were playing with someone else's sand toys. Another boy was nearby so I asked if Oliver wanted to play with him. So I taught him to say "Play together?", the boy didn't respond. Then later Oliver divided up the toys between the 3 of us. The boy still didn't respond. So I told Oliver that it's ok, he's not ready to play with us. So after a while, Oliver took the "assigned" toy right to the boy and left it in front of him. The boy didn't respond, but Oliver didn't push after that. When we were all done playing, I asked Oliver to collect all the toys and return to the mom who let us play with them. He did pick up each one and put it on their blanket. And later said thank you to her. I was so proud of him for doing that. And I hope he'll remember this lesson and do it on his own sometime.

A very very sad day

I don't even know where to begin. It still doesn't feel real that dad past away 3 days ago. It was the most surreal experience to receive a phone call that changed everything. I only saw him the day before, we were going to see each other again in a few days...but only when I did see him, he was lying on the floor already gone.

Mom called around 9:30 am on August 26th, 2008. She told me to stay calm, then she said dad has past away. I was in disbelief, but knew right away I had to be strong and be there for my mother who found her husband dead. My parents have not shared a bedroom in many years because of my dad snored very loud. That morning my mom woke up to use the restroom and still heard dad snore through the walls. 4 hours later, he was cold on the floor with his feet elevated while lying down. We think he was probably feeling dizzy and did that to help the blood flow. I stayed on the phone with mom while I got myself ready. Then Chris drove me and Oliver to the house as fast and safely as we could while the paramedics went to my parent's house. When I arrived, my mom was talking to the police and the paramedics informed me what I already knew. The hours after that was a lot of phone calls trying to figure out what to do next. Dad did not like talking about any planning for funerals, so he never did make any plans. I did my best to keep it together and try to comfort mom the best I could. Chris kept Oliver occupied, but I'm sure Oliver sensed something was serious and did his best to stay out of trouble.

The strange thing was Oliver never asked where is YeYeh, when his Ama and YeYeh always visited together. And other strange things happened earlier in the week. My mom taught Oliver how to say my dad's name in chinese during their weekly visit, Oliver took a 2 hour nap, then woke up asking "where is Chang Tsze Tsan?" I told him YeYeh went home. I was amazed by his memory. Dad's energy has been decreasing and he'd been complaining about not getting enough sleep for the past few years. He started to fall asleep during their visits to see Oliver. It's hard not to feel some guilt for not looking into more closely at his health. I just see dad looking the same way he looked 20 year ago, muscular and tanned. He was such a handsome man who aged into a very cute older man. I do believe knowing his personality, he down played his pains and discomfort. He's never believed in doctors and always reminded us how his friends who goes to the doctors always end up dead. He felt that the fear of whatever disease itself can kill you. And even though we know that smoking is bad, we never pushed hard for him to quit. It was what he says the only few leisure thing for him to do.

With no ambulance was called and no doctors, the police told us the coroner would do the exam to find out the cause of death. We have a few guesses ourselves, but I know that Dad would have never wanted to live with an illness that would keep him hospitalized or be in bed. I really do believe that he went in the simplest way that reflected his personality the most. He didn't bother anyone, he attempted to take care of himself by putting his feet up, and quietly he went while everyone else was asleep.

That week it was also strange that Chris came home in the middle of the day while Dad was still at our house. Chris never does that, but he forgot something and had to come back. Although it was a brief stop, he got to give Dad a hug and say good bye. The chair that Dad was sitting in hasn't been moved. it was where he sat and watched mom, myself and Oliver play. I sat in the chair today and talked to him, I was sad and miss him dearly. I know he'll continue to watch over us. And I feel like from what he saw, he probably felt that he has nothing to worry about.

These last few days have been so strange. During the day I stay strong, but then when I am tired or alone I break down. I know it's all normal and I do want to allow myself the time to grieve. I continue to have images of Dad on the floor, and the words that came out of my mom's mouth that day. I try to remember all the great times we've had, and as I remember them, I realize how sensitive and an amazing Dad he was. And I wish we had a little bit more time together because he's had a very tough few years and we are just now starting to heal.

I do feel how his death has changed the rest of us. Immediate our family was brought closer together, and we are reminded of how much we need to treasure the time we have together. My relationship with mom which has had it's ups and downs feels like it's going to make a big shift for the better. My sister and I closer and relate to one another as adults. My relationship stronger, and my desire to share stories of YeYeh with Oliver intensified. Maybe Dad has once again done something to bring a family together. That's what he would have wanted.

I love you Dad. I miss you!

The New Toddler Days

It was the most surreal feeling. I had just fallen asleep in bed for a nap when I heard quick thumping foot steps coming down the hall followed by a loud "Mommy!" A joyous toddler comes running into the room waking me up. I knew what was happening, but it took me a few seconds to accept that it was not a dream...my little baby boy just climbed out of his crib when he decided he didn't want to take a nap.

The afternoon followed was quite a struggle for me. I was actually annoyed with my adorable son, who was so proud of himself for this latest milestone. I just kept thinking "I'm not ready for this." And the next day things got even more interesting. Oliver now tests to see how far he can get away from me, while he smiles and gets farther away. He kept going until he stopped by two chairs near an exit. He said he wanted to sit because he is tired. He actually said those words, but it was like watching a kid trying to get out of being in trouble.

Another time when I played drumming videos for him from YouTube, I asked him to help me clean up the toys. He responded "I'm doing this." with his finger pointing to the computer.

I know the terrible twos is only a phase, and I guess I should appreciate the fact that he hasn't had any tantrums over things. Mostly he laughs and thinks everything is a joke and do things on purpose to see what he can get away with. Or if he doesn't like it, he uses the phrase "I'm sad." or "I'm done." which he knows that's how he can get his way. I have learned to pick my battles. I do realize it's not easy trying to outsmart a toddler.

This morning I asked him to demonstrate how he climbed out of the crib. I just wanted to make sure he doesn't hurt himself before we get his bed converted. He picked up my tone that it was not something I was happy with, and did not fall for my "trap." Part of me is concerned he might hurt himself (We have placed a rug underneath months ago just in case this happened). Another part of me actually kind of likes waking up to see his little face while I'm still in bed. We'll have to see what happens tomorrow.