January Message from the President

The new year for many of us represents new opportunities to make this
year better than the last. It is a chance to reflect on memories we'd
never forget, what we had learned, and what we'd like to leave behind.
One particular topic that's been on my mind is what made me the mom
that I am today. What motivates me to give up my needs for my child?
What kind of childhood memories do I want to help create for him?

I never thought that raising Oliver would give me a second chance to
experience childhood. Although there has been countless moments where
I have fully immersed myself in the presence of this beautiful and
pure being, I couldn't ignore how this has triggered my unresolved
issues with my own upbringing.

I came from a simple family of four. My parents were hard working
people, working late nights, doing their best to provide for me and my
older sister. We were just an ordinary family that had our share of
ups and downs, but mostly we all love each other very much. There was,
however, an important piece missing. It was the lack of understanding
and respect for autonomy. I was, and my parents were, raised in a
culture based on respecting the elderly members of your family. Of
course we should, but often this also meant that the close knit family
was bound together by fear and shame. If there was ever a
disagreement, the threat of being rejected was not an uncommon
solution. This meant suppressing your own needs and wants to keep the
peace. And to a child, this becomes her tool for survival. If I do
what was in "my best interest", I will be loved.

When I was 10, my sister and I were relocated to California to live
the American dream. We lived with our grandparents while our parents
stayed in Taiwan to work and supported us financially. This was the
turning point of my life. Part of me understood it was a painful
decision they had to make for my future, but some part of me still
felt the pain of abandonment, and the pressure that I must succeed so
the price they paid (literally and figuratively) wouldn't go to waste.
What I didn't expect was being exposed to the openness of the western
culture, and the concept of unconditional love, would began my journey
for the search of my true self.

I spent the years that followed, doing everything I could be be the perfect daughter for my parents, while behind their backs did what was necessary to achieve my own dreams. And the more I hid from my parents the life I wanted to live, the more terrified and shameful I felt about this double life.

Although this happened because my parents decided to moved me here to have a better life, similar pain is felt by my older sister who moved back to Taiwan and lived on her own. So something tells me that we both learned to self-sooth and cope with not having our parents around while growing up has shaped us to the adult women that we are today. And when my energy to hide ran out, I tried to win them over by my achievements, only to find that no matter what I did they still had different expectations from me.

After becoming a mom, my childhood strongly affected how I parent my
child. Every time he cried when I left the room reminded me of when I
cried as a child when my parents weren't there for me. Every time he
expressed his needs, I struggled with finding how to meet them without
taking over. My fears of not being able to separate my own history
from the present resulted in me finally seeking professional help. I
have learned that even though my parents had good intentions, they
just didn't have the tools and resources to support me the way I
needed. The grown up me has become an organized (to find order in my
chaotic life), perfectionist busy body (to try to please), while deep
down inside I am still a child looking to feel safe and loved.

These days, I am learning that there is a difference between being
good, and doing good. When I see Oliver, all I see is how pure and
good he is. I love him unconditionally and remind him daily. I find
the easiest days are the ones that I focus on being in the moment. I
have learned to be playful and not always so aware of the rules I've
made for myself as a child. No matter what has happened in the past,
each day is a new beginning. And everyday I try to be conscious of who
I am and trusting in myself to be a good parent.

December Message from the President

"Is that a surprise for me?" My two and a half year old son asked when a package arrived at our house. "No, it's a package for Daddy." I replied. "It looks like it's for me." He said. I ended up giving him the box which later became a garage for his toy cars. This isn't the first time we've had this conversation. It seems that for some time now I've been using an unopened toy or his favorite snack as a bargaining chip for his cooperation. I had been putting off having the other conversation with myself about what exactly am I teaching my son? I know I do it for my own survival, to prevent a tantrum or another stressful situation. However, have I created a bigger monster in the process? Has he become a child who gets so excited about getting something new that he would do whatever I asked? Or one who is always wondering "what's in it for me?" And this is going through my head while I click through every Amazon link trying to find the perfect garbage truck toy for him, I guess this time I can blame Santa for bribing him to be a good boy.

Maybe it's not that bad. It's tough being a mom and we do need to have some ammunition when battling over who is in control. I sometimes feel like I'm a contestant on Survivor being outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted by a toddler. And it's never in the moment that I can come up with a reasonable solution. And on days when he decided to really test me, I just want to roll up into a ball and hide in the corner. So I give in, then later feel guilty for "taking the easy way out" or defeated, and sometimes relieved that I've dodged a bullet.

I had to dig deep to find some more energy to rethink my approach. I recall on many occasions when I had to improvise because I didn't pack something for Oliver to play with. The resourceful side in me turned to myself and became his favorite toy. And somehow having Oliver sit on my knees while I pretended to be a construction truck made the time pass so much quicker..and happier. Another time I cracked him up when I covered my face with hair and try to blow them off. Or when we pretended to plant a flower, water it and wait for it to grow, I saw his eyes lit up when the invisible flowers came out of the ground.

So maybe before I buy a new toy to get myself out of a "situation", I should be asking him "Would you do this for me if we'll play together after?" And come to think of it, how often have I hopped in the tub full of bubbles myself so he would take a bath. And how I tried to get him to go to bed, with the promise of a game we'll play in the morning. And those times when he thinks about "what's in it for me?" I'm sure he was delighted by the thought of more quality time with mommy or daddy.

And what about those tantrums? I must admit that I don't give Oliver enough credit for being a very reasonable person (when he's well- rested and fed). I got so used to telling him that something is broken because I didn't want him to turn it on, or something is all gone because I didn't want him to have any more. I did that so often, I imagine Oliver probably thinks that we only have broken things and nothing is ever replaced in our home. I have to remind myself that just because a few months ago he didn't understand something, it doesn't mean he still doesn't understand it now. After I read an interesting article about how our children benefit from feeling their negative emotions and working through them, I decided to face the truth myself. Using some of the techniques I learned from watching "Happiest Toddler On The Block", I felt comfortable enough to approach Oliver with my request. I first acknowledge what it was that he wanted, followed by what I wanted as honest and clear as possible, then be empathic without changing my message while he worked through his sadness and frustrations. Sure, he still got upset, but the difference was that I was being understanding while in control. And I was pleasantly surprised by how quickly the situation was diffused. And realizing that I should have had more respect for him to be honest and reasonable, even at his young age.

It is tough being a parent. It is especially tough being a parent around the holidays when there are a million more things to take care of. With everything said, I know there will still be days when I am too tired to remember to do things differently. Oliver will still be waking up to a new toy truck waiting for him come Christmas morning. However, he'll definitely be getting a lot more of my undivided attention.

From the Dooley family, we wish you all a very happy holiday season!